The Unkindness of Strangers

I haven't posted much recently (duh!) not because there isn't plenty going on... but mostly because it is Rod's stuff and this isn't Rod's blog. Since my mini roller coaster of moods (see previous posts) I have balanced out/leveled off and have been feeling pretty good overall for a while now. BTW, sorry for being so pissy; everyone I choose to have in my life is doing for me exactly what I want them to... and if I need more I will ask, really... I will.

So, there you have it. I am feeling pretty secure in my role as the person who sees Rod through this. I am here to help him find reasons to continue to fight and get past this (whatever "this" is). It is draining, it is frustrating, it is sometimes painful... but it is worth it because he is the man I love, and the father of my baby, and we got a lot of life ahead of us.

So, despite being more enlightened than ever (snort!) I have been having some unfortunate run-ins with the general public. From a pizza party run in with an older woman who felt it would be appropriate to comment on my serving size (which was moderate, by the way) to another mother outside a claim jumper who was confident enough that her parenting style was superior to mine that she said it aloud... I just keep running into idiots who are not afraid to tell me how they feel! How annoying is that? Perhaps I am making myself toooooo open...

So this all comes to a head (I hope this is it) yesterday afternoon at a gas station. I pull into a driveway and there is no way to a pump on the correct side of the car, so I drive around the pumps to pull into an open spot. As I approach a car is coming in off the street, so I wait for that car and once he passes I proceed again. but WAIT! Now he's backing up... headed for the same space as me... so I wait again until he has backed into the pump aisle I am headed for... but he doesn't back all the way in allowing me to use the other pump, he stops. right there at the entrance. I pull my car up gently to show him that I was needing to pump there too and give him a wave.

He looks at me... and looks away.

I give him a friendly "beep beep" and a wave.

He looks at me... and looks away.

I roll down my window to wave a little wilder and give another little "toot toot"

He looks at me... and looks away. Now he is getting out of his car! ?!?!?!

I lean my head out of the window... "Sir, can you please back up further so I can use the pump too?"

He doesn't EVEN look at me and just starts heading towards the cashier.

"Can you HEAR me?!"

He doesn't flinch

"Dude, that's messed up" (in a stage whisper)

He turns around in all his sunburnt arms in a dingy tank top glory and his blond moustache curls around his mouth as he screams: "FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!"

WELL!

Vacation Remorse

I was reminded recently that I had some vacation days scheduled for this week. They were scheduled back before everything fell apart... then Rod got sick, the trip to Yosemite got canceled and our lives got one step closer to being the way I don't want them to be.

What the fuck is up with me? Weren't my last several posts about how awesome everything is? About how I have found myself?

Does finding myself have to be equivalent to unearthing a moody, dramatic, demon? Is this "myself"? Do I feel not myself when I am attempting to hold down my extreme emotions to fit in and please all of you? Am I myself when I am all over the place? Why do the feelings of accomplishment and confidence I had just a week ago have to be following by the feelings of frustration and anger I have today?

So, tomorrow through Thursday I am off of work. I have tentatively scheduled the following: Tuesday-me (hair, nails, sleep), Wednesday-house (garden, little projects, sleep?), Thursday-angus... I am looking forward to Thursday. Tomorrow, however, is terrifying. and what makes it terrifying is that I would RATHER go to WORK than stay home alone and be with my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I want to be by myself for a little while... I am so drained that I need to recharge, I have nothing left to give, but I am sooooo drained that I don't even know if I can deal with myself right now.

These past months have been much harder on me than I realized until yesterday at California Adventure when I was crying at the "Drawn to Magic" stage show. Yup.

I am terrified of losing my husband and the only way I know how to cope is to become super efficient, super composed, and super charming. Only, that doesn't last long. Apparently it lasts approximately two months.

My life has gone a little something like this lately (I'm bold, you're italics)

Hi, how's Rod?

He's the same.

How's Angus?

He's great!

How are you?

Um... Well... I'm not so goo-

He (angus) just gave me a kiss! Did you see that?
-or-
Well, I better get going now, it's getting late
-or-
Shoot, the bread!
-or-
Look! Something shiny!

and I completely understand... Rod and Angus are VERY important. Imagine how important they are to you and then multiply that by infinity and that's how important they are to me. but you know what... I gotta be important too.

I need people to understand that after months of not acknowledging my own tired soul for a moment in order to care for these boys that when I say I am sick I don't need to give you a list of my symptoms and explain their severity and push myself to the point that I am on the verge of vomiting or passing out before you notice enough to offer to take care of me.

And on that note... enough with the offering. Just do it.

I am not going to call you and ask you to take my baby for a moment so I can catch up on things around the house. All this does is provoke his separation anxiety and then prompt him to leech onto me for the rest of the day... just come do my dishes instead.

I am not going to call you and tell you that we are too broke to buy food. So please just pick us up to go grocery shopping or bring us some meals.

I know that I should be a big enough person to ask for help when I need it... but I'm not. and let's face it... none of you are either. So, please do for me what you would want me to do for you. Please understand that the people who need the most help are often in no emotional state to reach out and ask for it. Just help. Stop offering.

Well, actually... don't. because it's too late anyway. I've got it all under control.

pfft.

I kick ASS

Things are still going well. There have been little dips here and there but overall I am still very much on top of my game.

I am so happy at work. I really, finally "get it" but please don't ask me to explain it to you... it's really not that interesting from the outside, I know... I was on the outside until very recently.

My husband thanked me today for taking good care of him and for being agressive about him needing to seek treatment for his pain. He goes to a chiro now (which I previously would have bet was voo doo nonsense) and is starting to feel a little bit better.

I can bleed for a week and not die... which I've heard means I shouldn't be trusted, but I think it is just further evidence of my asskickiness.

I made a beautiful, smart, charming human being who just keeps getting better and better!

An apology, complete with retraction & correction!

I agreed face to face with Rod that I would retract my last statement because it simply was not true (well, that's what he said. I agreed to retract it because it was mean and I felt bed).

So, I prepared my retraction and on Monday this is what I came up with:

Retraction
Or maybe... A clarification. Yes, I said that rod had given up and I didn't really know that. I assumed I knew, I wrote it, and it hurt him. I'm sorry.

That was the retraction, this is the clarification. Life with rod is an emotional roller coaster because my life is an emotional roller coaster... Life with anyone would be turbulent because I am turbulent!

Funny, but somehow I got the idea that I was flexible... If you want to change plans and ask me if I am okay with that, I often am... But if you just change them or tell me you are changing them... I lose it!

Angus slept through the night on friday and saturday, which was great, but didn't last night and I am destroyed!

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now that I have stewed in that for a bit, I realize it is pompous and obnoxious and if I post it I will have to post another retraction later, so I am just going to apologize now.

Sorry, baby. I retract my statement. It was untrue. xoxo