I've never really be interested in having sex in public. There have been plenty of opportunities... and while the thrill is... well... THRILLING! the fear of being caught is too much to bear. I don't think actually being caught would be thrilling, in fact I think it would be downright horrible. So... the closest I've ever come is sex in the backyard. Which was just the right amount of thrilling and just the right amount of safe and just the right amount of dog poop (none, in case you were wondering).
but this blog... wowza! The thrill of getting "caught" (being read) is a big part of why I do this. I write some not so nice things, usually about myself, and there is a chance someone might see them. I was never into journaling, but the thrill in blogging gives me the emotional release I need.
I had no idea I had so many readers. Seriously... I thought that my brother in law, his girl, my mom, my mother in law, my friend jen, and my husband read the blog. I would write stuff that was a little too personal or too crazy to say to any of them in person, and I know they relished reading it... who doesn't want to get deepy into the mucky dirty part of the head of someone they know in real life, right? Well, apparently my crazy friends and family do! I made a rule that there would be no blog discussing. If they had a comment, they could comment online, but that was it. I'm all about exposure and emotional nudity, but I gotta have at least one layer of emotional clothing on when face to face with people.
I had mentioned this blog once on a private message board, and the family blog more than once on a public message board, but I had no idea people were actually coming on a regular basis... yikes!
Post so I know you're here so I can censor myself accordingly in the future (nah, just kidding about the censoring). and... now... if there are that many of you... when do I start getting paid for this? AM I famous yet?
Monday, September 15, 2008
So close, yet so far away
Oh CRAP! I'm a total asshole!!!!!!!!! You know that feeling when you work hard to become a better person, to be more "enlightened" if you will, and then one stupid moment sends you reeling back into the tiny, broken person space you previously occupied?!
Well, that happened recently. That's all I can say.
just kidding. :)
So, my last post... about breaking up with my friend... the one where I was so sure that I was right because we just didn't "get" each other... yeah, that one... Nope. Not true. Totally wrong. Totally me being afraid of judgement that didn't even exist!
In being friends with someone who was different from me in a lot of ways I was battling a major fear: being judged for the choices I make that are "unpopular." When I was challenged in a brief moment in the friend's house (not even by the friend herself, ack! i'm such a jerk!) I quickly jumped to assuming that my fear was coming true and that the right thing to do was to protect myself from further judgement at all costs. From that point on (until now), every little irrational thought I had about us being too different, or not meshing was given life and validity.
I thought I was so right... and I was so wrong...
Shit. What an asshole (me).
So, to clarify this all for everyone (because apparently I have many readers?!)... What happened between my friend and I had nothing to do with our political or religious differences. Yes, a heated moment occured where those issues were at play, and then I used those differences to create space between us to "protect myself," but what this really had to do with is me being very afraid of judgement, being desperate for acceptance, and thinking that I was vulnerable and reacting "accordingly." She never did anything wrong... she has always been accepting... she has always been welcoming of my point of view... I was just scared, and blind as a result.
I hope everyone has enjoyed this little peek into my fucked up existence. Maybe this has done good somehow? Maybe someone else will learn something from this? I know I will, but I hope some greater good came of it than that. Hopefully I can go repair my friendship now and things will go back to normal...
Wish me luck!
Well, that happened recently. That's all I can say.
just kidding. :)
So, my last post... about breaking up with my friend... the one where I was so sure that I was right because we just didn't "get" each other... yeah, that one... Nope. Not true. Totally wrong. Totally me being afraid of judgement that didn't even exist!
In being friends with someone who was different from me in a lot of ways I was battling a major fear: being judged for the choices I make that are "unpopular." When I was challenged in a brief moment in the friend's house (not even by the friend herself, ack! i'm such a jerk!) I quickly jumped to assuming that my fear was coming true and that the right thing to do was to protect myself from further judgement at all costs. From that point on (until now), every little irrational thought I had about us being too different, or not meshing was given life and validity.
I thought I was so right... and I was so wrong...
Shit. What an asshole (me).
So, to clarify this all for everyone (because apparently I have many readers?!)... What happened between my friend and I had nothing to do with our political or religious differences. Yes, a heated moment occured where those issues were at play, and then I used those differences to create space between us to "protect myself," but what this really had to do with is me being very afraid of judgement, being desperate for acceptance, and thinking that I was vulnerable and reacting "accordingly." She never did anything wrong... she has always been accepting... she has always been welcoming of my point of view... I was just scared, and blind as a result.
I hope everyone has enjoyed this little peek into my fucked up existence. Maybe this has done good somehow? Maybe someone else will learn something from this? I know I will, but I hope some greater good came of it than that. Hopefully I can go repair my friendship now and things will go back to normal...
Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
They say that breaking up is hard to do...
now i know, i know that it's true.
don't worry, faithful readers... I'm not leaving rod. all is (as) well (as can be expected) in marriage land.
instead i am writing today to tell you about a friend i've lost. lost seems like a funny word to use, because it's all my doing... all my fault.
i've been hanging with a fellow mom for a while, maybe almost a year now. we have a lot in common, including having sons who are exactly one week apart in age, or so it seemed at first: we both wanted an unmedicated birth, we both cloth diapered, breastfed, we were both funny and witty, we were both very into an online community we co led. we were also very different, religiously and politically. which, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal... we mostly didn't talk about it and I think we were both proud that we had been able to look past the differences and still enjoy each other.
so, we had fun. we hung out a lot, went to disneyland, compared baby care notes, and laughed a lot. still... there was always something missing for me. the longer we hung out the more of our differences i started to notice (and they weren't the political ones)... i was accustomed to a different style of talking about my emotions and was willing to be exposed much of the time where she seemed to protect herself in that way... i was fine with an occasional email or get together but she seemed to want more... I started to feel a lack of balance in our friendship.
I ignored it and journeyed on. i continued having fun with her but there was always a wall up because i didn't feel like she "got me." soon, i stopped talking about myself much at all and stuck to the topics that we did have in common. and that was good, it was fun, and friendly and there was still lots of laughter. i never had the grace or maturity to tell her how i felt or give her a chance to know me better...
recently we had a falling out. it was sparked by a political discussion that got heated, i got turned off, and i decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. despite the fact that i claim to be open minded i explained that our differences were just too much for me to take. i was never brave enough to explain how closed off i had been feeling for so long. she told me what i had feared most, that she felt very close to me, and that i had really hurt her.
so here i am again... a friendship lost, a person hurt. i don't know if i've ever done this before but it feels familiar. i hold back who i am, i hold back the truth, but i don't set boundaries that match and i misled this woman. she is kind, funny, intelligent and has a great heart. i still don't think we should be close friends, i still think we are too different, but i wish i had the foresight to establish better boundaries in the beginning. i wish i had been brave enough to do what was right for me from the start... maybe i could have avoided hurting her so badly.
i hope one day she'll forgive me and we will have some sort of relationship again... but i don't know if we will. i don't know if we can come to a consensus about what we want from each other in this lifetime.
don't worry, faithful readers... I'm not leaving rod. all is (as) well (as can be expected) in marriage land.
instead i am writing today to tell you about a friend i've lost. lost seems like a funny word to use, because it's all my doing... all my fault.
i've been hanging with a fellow mom for a while, maybe almost a year now. we have a lot in common, including having sons who are exactly one week apart in age, or so it seemed at first: we both wanted an unmedicated birth, we both cloth diapered, breastfed, we were both funny and witty, we were both very into an online community we co led. we were also very different, religiously and politically. which, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal... we mostly didn't talk about it and I think we were both proud that we had been able to look past the differences and still enjoy each other.
so, we had fun. we hung out a lot, went to disneyland, compared baby care notes, and laughed a lot. still... there was always something missing for me. the longer we hung out the more of our differences i started to notice (and they weren't the political ones)... i was accustomed to a different style of talking about my emotions and was willing to be exposed much of the time where she seemed to protect herself in that way... i was fine with an occasional email or get together but she seemed to want more... I started to feel a lack of balance in our friendship.
I ignored it and journeyed on. i continued having fun with her but there was always a wall up because i didn't feel like she "got me." soon, i stopped talking about myself much at all and stuck to the topics that we did have in common. and that was good, it was fun, and friendly and there was still lots of laughter. i never had the grace or maturity to tell her how i felt or give her a chance to know me better...
recently we had a falling out. it was sparked by a political discussion that got heated, i got turned off, and i decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. despite the fact that i claim to be open minded i explained that our differences were just too much for me to take. i was never brave enough to explain how closed off i had been feeling for so long. she told me what i had feared most, that she felt very close to me, and that i had really hurt her.
so here i am again... a friendship lost, a person hurt. i don't know if i've ever done this before but it feels familiar. i hold back who i am, i hold back the truth, but i don't set boundaries that match and i misled this woman. she is kind, funny, intelligent and has a great heart. i still don't think we should be close friends, i still think we are too different, but i wish i had the foresight to establish better boundaries in the beginning. i wish i had been brave enough to do what was right for me from the start... maybe i could have avoided hurting her so badly.
i hope one day she'll forgive me and we will have some sort of relationship again... but i don't know if we will. i don't know if we can come to a consensus about what we want from each other in this lifetime.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The curse of the open mind
I'm sure I've complained about this before, and I am sure it is not going to do me any favors to do so aloud in cyberspace... in fact, I am confident that this post will just be additional fuel for the "Katy is a completely delusional narcissist" fire that my paranoid, conspiracy theorist mind has convinced me is burning deep in each of your hearts. but... I keep typing. I know you all like this blog. let's face it, it's entertaining. and I'll do anything for love.
So, I have noticed lately that the tiny ball of bitterness I carry around inside of me is growing. Every day it is watered, fed, and fertilized by an interaction with someone else and it is far beyond a seedling now. I think it may be even be flowering as a precursor to bearing fruit. Let's just say... it's a mature plant now. :)
Basically, I have a gift. I can see my effect on a situation. I can see, and often clearly and quickly, how I can negatively or positively effect a situation; what I can say or do to escalate a conflict or help it dissipate. It's a pretty cool skill... I don't always use it for good. Sometimes I see where things are going and I still choose the road of conflict and continued drama mongering... sometimes I ignore it all together, but most of the time, more so now that I am a mature (scoff!) adult I use my gift for good.
When my husband is bitchy and clingy I know what I can do to turn his mood around in less than 1/2 an hour and I "do it". When someone at work is frustrated because they have a lot on their plate, I offer to do things for him and switch into a caretaker role ignoring my own need for the same respect. When engaged in a debate with someone of differing beliefs I often choose to open my mind and show them that I understand where they are coming from; point out to them the ways in which I agree.
But you know what doesn't happen often? My husband rarely says to himself "I am being a jerk because I'm horny, I'm going to go rub one out and then be nicer to the people around me." My co-workers rarely see me drowning in a sea of tasks and offer to help. My friends of differing opinions rarely agree that my point of view has ANY validity.
Why is that? Why does it fall on me to do the right thing... just because I know what the right thing is?! Is that it?! And if that is it... am I really to believe that these competent, caring, intelligent people around me don't also know the right thing? How can that be?
I guess I am just too brilliant for this world... me and spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility. sigh. Sorry Mary Jane, it's just too dangerous for us to be together, you'll only be hurt by the aftermath of my exceedingly enlightened lifestyle.
chuckle chuckle snort!
So, I have noticed lately that the tiny ball of bitterness I carry around inside of me is growing. Every day it is watered, fed, and fertilized by an interaction with someone else and it is far beyond a seedling now. I think it may be even be flowering as a precursor to bearing fruit. Let's just say... it's a mature plant now. :)
Basically, I have a gift. I can see my effect on a situation. I can see, and often clearly and quickly, how I can negatively or positively effect a situation; what I can say or do to escalate a conflict or help it dissipate. It's a pretty cool skill... I don't always use it for good. Sometimes I see where things are going and I still choose the road of conflict and continued drama mongering... sometimes I ignore it all together, but most of the time, more so now that I am a mature (scoff!) adult I use my gift for good.
When my husband is bitchy and clingy I know what I can do to turn his mood around in less than 1/2 an hour and I "do it". When someone at work is frustrated because they have a lot on their plate, I offer to do things for him and switch into a caretaker role ignoring my own need for the same respect. When engaged in a debate with someone of differing beliefs I often choose to open my mind and show them that I understand where they are coming from; point out to them the ways in which I agree.
But you know what doesn't happen often? My husband rarely says to himself "I am being a jerk because I'm horny, I'm going to go rub one out and then be nicer to the people around me." My co-workers rarely see me drowning in a sea of tasks and offer to help. My friends of differing opinions rarely agree that my point of view has ANY validity.
Why is that? Why does it fall on me to do the right thing... just because I know what the right thing is?! Is that it?! And if that is it... am I really to believe that these competent, caring, intelligent people around me don't also know the right thing? How can that be?
I guess I am just too brilliant for this world... me and spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility. sigh. Sorry Mary Jane, it's just too dangerous for us to be together, you'll only be hurt by the aftermath of my exceedingly enlightened lifestyle.
chuckle chuckle snort!
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