So close, yet so far away

Oh CRAP! I'm a total asshole!!!!!!!!! You know that feeling when you work hard to become a better person, to be more "enlightened" if you will, and then one stupid moment sends you reeling back into the tiny, broken person space you previously occupied?!

Well, that happened recently. That's all I can say.


















just kidding. :)

So, my last post... about breaking up with my friend... the one where I was so sure that I was right because we just didn't "get" each other... yeah, that one... Nope. Not true. Totally wrong. Totally me being afraid of judgement that didn't even exist!

In being friends with someone who was different from me in a lot of ways I was battling a major fear: being judged for the choices I make that are "unpopular." When I was challenged in a brief moment in the friend's house (not even by the friend herself, ack! i'm such a jerk!) I quickly jumped to assuming that my fear was coming true and that the right thing to do was to protect myself from further judgement at all costs. From that point on (until now), every little irrational thought I had about us being too different, or not meshing was given life and validity.

I thought I was so right... and I was so wrong...

Shit. What an asshole (me).

So, to clarify this all for everyone (because apparently I have many readers?!)... What happened between my friend and I had nothing to do with our political or religious differences. Yes, a heated moment occured where those issues were at play, and then I used those differences to create space between us to "protect myself," but what this really had to do with is me being very afraid of judgement, being desperate for acceptance, and thinking that I was vulnerable and reacting "accordingly." She never did anything wrong... she has always been accepting... she has always been welcoming of my point of view... I was just scared, and blind as a result.

I hope everyone has enjoyed this little peek into my fucked up existence. Maybe this has done good somehow? Maybe someone else will learn something from this? I know I will, but I hope some greater good came of it than that. Hopefully I can go repair my friendship now and things will go back to normal...

Wish me luck!