11:35 p.m. PST Rod and Angus sleep soundly in their beds. My champagne buzz slowly wears off leaving only the sad angry (not) drunk girl behind. Scratch that, and more clarification later.
Watched MILK tonight, it was Rod's 3rd time. He watched it once on his own, once again when I lied down to watch it the first time and fell asleep 15 minutes in, and then again tonight... high. Adam Corolla says it is like watching a whole new movie. I wouldn't know. Why all the hate? Seriously... and I know those on the other side of the issue would prefer not to call it hate... I know. I wouldn't like that either, if I was discriminating against someone (and I'm sure I am) I would hate for it to be labeled "Hate." But let's all own up here... Hate is what it is.
Don't the people who oppose gay rights see that they are taking an outdated argument for discrimination and using it again on a new population group? Remember racial discrimination (remember?! snort!)? Don't you see that "God" was the excuse for that too? The majority may rule but they most certainly are not right... not by any means.
If I weren't so numb I would be sad or angry or something else. Just confused, tired, and waiting for an answer. What did I used to do before? Back when I was more of myself... when was that anyway and when/where did I lose it? Was it motherhood? marriage? the combination? Would leaving one of those behind reclaim what was lost? Can I keep both and be found? I wouldn't mind finding something new... but SOMETHING... PLEASE!
I get it. It's hard. It's not supposed to be easy. ...but seriously. It's been hard long enough and I am in need of a break. But like I've been trying to tell Rod, in all seriousness... a break is not enough. I don't want grand gestures and fleeting moments of thoughtfulness. Don't do everything half the time, do half all the time. That's what I want and that's what I need.
So, you hear that universe? Cut me some slack or send me a sign. What's that? You say this is a sign? You've been sending them? Raining down on me for months now? Well... a decoder ring then because I'm not getting it.
Somebody PLEASE tell me what to do, and make it good... a resolution to last more than a day or two.
Potential to be Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
WHO Knows Best...
Intentional double entendre there. I;m asking who knows best... with an emphasis on the WHO?! Also, I'd be more likely to trust the World Health Organization over a Kaiser Permanente Pediatrician. Maybe that's my issue. Maybe having to explain a double entendre makes it a poor one (two).
Today Angus had his 18 month WBV (Well Baby Visit--WARNING: There may be several abbreviations in this blog and you're going to be on your own from here on out. Use google and context clues to figure out what I'm saying if you're in a bind.)
Well... according to my email from the appointment center at Kaiser he had an appointment, but according to the faceless check in machine (which I love by the way, I would never knock self service... but when it doesn't work and I have to wait in line anyway, then I get annoyed) and the receptionist he didn't have an appointment. SIGH! So, they asked if I would be willing to see another doctor. I said that was fine with a little trepidation in my heart but it was quickly squashed by my desire to not be perceived as an obnoxious consumer, customer, client, etc...
So, we got called in by Dr. Joe's (Harry Joe. Two first names... bad sign) nurse, and I quickly realized how much different his would be from the experience we normally have with Dr. Wong and her staff. Dr. Joe's nurse suggested that I step away from the scale after putting Angus on to get a more accurate reading (because he would want to touch me and that would change the weight)... of course he was screaming... and you know what's worse?! I listened to her! I stood just behind the nurse while she clumsily fiddled with the scale trying to get a weight (flicking it innacurately with her pen made it difficult to get the result she was looking for) while my baby screamed and reached for me. We had NEVER had a problem with his weight because of him wanting to lean on me before... he'd always been fine with closeness for the few seconds of weighing. GRRRR...
Then I laid him on the table to get his height (length?) She attempted to stretch him out, still kicking and screaming, marked his foot, then his head and measured between the marks after I picked him up. They claim this is an accurate method, but they never mark the true top of his head and he is always flailing too much to ensure much success.
So anyway, she determined that he weighed 26 lbs (even though it was more like 26 lbs and 2 oz) and was 32 inches long (yeah right... he was 32 inches long two months ago when he couldn't reach the doorknob on flat feet. I'm pretty sure the doorknobs didn't get lower!). So when the doctor came in he started with the most personal part of his service: Calling me "Ms MacKenney" and calling him "Angus." He kept the name game up throughout the appointment but that is where the personalization stopped.
According to the computer Angus' height was in the 43rd percentile and his weight in the 53rd. Not good... a little "overweight" at least in the sense that you want weight and height to be the same, or if not, have the height be the larger number. I ignored the assessment... and Dr. Joe quickly moved on (note I used him name. aren't i great?)
He looked at his weight over time and determined that he hadn't gained enough recently. Ummm... wasn't he overweight? He asked me if he was drinking whole milk and I responded that he was breastfed. He asked me how often and I reported twice a day. He then proceeded to "inform" me that breastfeeding at this age has no nutritional benefits or value and was only for bonding, and I may want to consider nursing as most babies do not develop a strong taste for table food until they are done associating food with sucking and drinking.
He decided to remeasure his height at my request and we discovered that the nurse's haste and poor bedside manner (angus liked Dr. Joe for whatever reason and didn't mind getting measured by him) had resulted in a nearly 2 inch loss! He was really 33.75 inches tall and in the 88th percentile for height!
Oh REALLY?! I sat silently and listened to the misinformation... and that's what I left really upset about. I've done my research, and I know the truth, but what about the moms who haven't? What about the moms who rely solely on the misinformation of their pediatricians?
Anyway, he proceeded to ask me whether he was saying 3-4 words regularly and when I responded that he was speaking in 3 word sentences and saying 50-60 words regularly he was suddenly very impressed. He then did the physical examination and concluded that he was doing quite well, was in perfect health, and was quite advanced cognitively.
Hear that? Taller than average, average weight, says more than average. but being destroyed by breatfeeding... missing out on important nutrients essential to his growth. So much at risk in fact that he needed to be seen again before his 24 month WBV to recheck his weight to ensure he wasn't malnourished. SIGH again. It didn't matter that he ate whole milk yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, healthy oils, and a WIDE variety of foods from every food group. He clearly had some sort of malabsorption disorder and wasn't getting enough nutrients from his food because he wasn't drinking cow's milk! Seriously?! What if he was allergic to cow's milk?
Here's the thing:
Human milk has an average of 3 more calories per oz than cow's milk and at least 20% more fat. Hmmm...
Especially since since too much cow's milk in a child's diet can put him at risk for iron-deficiency anemia (because milk can interfere with the absorption of iron) and may decrease the child's desire for other foods... cow's milk is not really given for the calories, it's just a a convenient source of calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. - it's not required. There are many people in many parts of the world who do not drink milk and still manage to get all the calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. that they need. I've bolded the ones Angus eats regularly...
* Good non-dairy sources of protein include meats, fish, peas & beans (chick peas, lentils, baked beans, etc.), tofu and other soy products, boiled eggs, peanut and other nut butters
* Good non-dairy sources of fats include soy and safflower oils, flax seed and flax seed oil, walnuts, fish and fish oils, avocado.
* Calcium may be derived from many nondairy sources.
* Vitamin D can be supplied by sunlight exposure and food sources.
* Milk can also be substitued with cheese, whole-fat yogurt or ice cream. You can also put milk into various food products: pancakes, waffles, muffins, French toast, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, and baked goods.
Not to mention that there are about a million benefits besides bonding for nursing toddlers: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html
Finally... the thing is. I know breastfeeding isn't for everyone. I've even stopped wishing that it was. It worked for us, and it still works for us. When Angus wakes in the morning and nurses he gets a belly full of warm, nutrient rich, calorie and fat dense, loving momma milk and we see the benefits of endless. If you don't want to do it... don't. BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT CLAIMING FALSEHOODS (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-myths.html) THAT BELITTLE MY CHOICE IS JUST WRONG.
Now if I only had the balls to send this to Dr. Joe. :-P
Today Angus had his 18 month WBV (Well Baby Visit--WARNING: There may be several abbreviations in this blog and you're going to be on your own from here on out. Use google and context clues to figure out what I'm saying if you're in a bind.)
Well... according to my email from the appointment center at Kaiser he had an appointment, but according to the faceless check in machine (which I love by the way, I would never knock self service... but when it doesn't work and I have to wait in line anyway, then I get annoyed) and the receptionist he didn't have an appointment. SIGH! So, they asked if I would be willing to see another doctor. I said that was fine with a little trepidation in my heart but it was quickly squashed by my desire to not be perceived as an obnoxious consumer, customer, client, etc...
So, we got called in by Dr. Joe's (Harry Joe. Two first names... bad sign) nurse, and I quickly realized how much different his would be from the experience we normally have with Dr. Wong and her staff. Dr. Joe's nurse suggested that I step away from the scale after putting Angus on to get a more accurate reading (because he would want to touch me and that would change the weight)... of course he was screaming... and you know what's worse?! I listened to her! I stood just behind the nurse while she clumsily fiddled with the scale trying to get a weight (flicking it innacurately with her pen made it difficult to get the result she was looking for) while my baby screamed and reached for me. We had NEVER had a problem with his weight because of him wanting to lean on me before... he'd always been fine with closeness for the few seconds of weighing. GRRRR...
Then I laid him on the table to get his height (length?) She attempted to stretch him out, still kicking and screaming, marked his foot, then his head and measured between the marks after I picked him up. They claim this is an accurate method, but they never mark the true top of his head and he is always flailing too much to ensure much success.
So anyway, she determined that he weighed 26 lbs (even though it was more like 26 lbs and 2 oz) and was 32 inches long (yeah right... he was 32 inches long two months ago when he couldn't reach the doorknob on flat feet. I'm pretty sure the doorknobs didn't get lower!). So when the doctor came in he started with the most personal part of his service: Calling me "Ms MacKenney" and calling him "Angus." He kept the name game up throughout the appointment but that is where the personalization stopped.
According to the computer Angus' height was in the 43rd percentile and his weight in the 53rd. Not good... a little "overweight" at least in the sense that you want weight and height to be the same, or if not, have the height be the larger number. I ignored the assessment... and Dr. Joe quickly moved on (note I used him name. aren't i great?)
He looked at his weight over time and determined that he hadn't gained enough recently. Ummm... wasn't he overweight? He asked me if he was drinking whole milk and I responded that he was breastfed. He asked me how often and I reported twice a day. He then proceeded to "inform" me that breastfeeding at this age has no nutritional benefits or value and was only for bonding, and I may want to consider nursing as most babies do not develop a strong taste for table food until they are done associating food with sucking and drinking.
He decided to remeasure his height at my request and we discovered that the nurse's haste and poor bedside manner (angus liked Dr. Joe for whatever reason and didn't mind getting measured by him) had resulted in a nearly 2 inch loss! He was really 33.75 inches tall and in the 88th percentile for height!
Oh REALLY?! I sat silently and listened to the misinformation... and that's what I left really upset about. I've done my research, and I know the truth, but what about the moms who haven't? What about the moms who rely solely on the misinformation of their pediatricians?
Anyway, he proceeded to ask me whether he was saying 3-4 words regularly and when I responded that he was speaking in 3 word sentences and saying 50-60 words regularly he was suddenly very impressed. He then did the physical examination and concluded that he was doing quite well, was in perfect health, and was quite advanced cognitively.
Hear that? Taller than average, average weight, says more than average. but being destroyed by breatfeeding... missing out on important nutrients essential to his growth. So much at risk in fact that he needed to be seen again before his 24 month WBV to recheck his weight to ensure he wasn't malnourished. SIGH again. It didn't matter that he ate whole milk yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, healthy oils, and a WIDE variety of foods from every food group. He clearly had some sort of malabsorption disorder and wasn't getting enough nutrients from his food because he wasn't drinking cow's milk! Seriously?! What if he was allergic to cow's milk?
Here's the thing:
Human milk has an average of 3 more calories per oz than cow's milk and at least 20% more fat. Hmmm...
Especially since since too much cow's milk in a child's diet can put him at risk for iron-deficiency anemia (because milk can interfere with the absorption of iron) and may decrease the child's desire for other foods... cow's milk is not really given for the calories, it's just a a convenient source of calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. - it's not required. There are many people in many parts of the world who do not drink milk and still manage to get all the calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. that they need. I've bolded the ones Angus eats regularly...
* Good non-dairy sources of protein include meats, fish, peas & beans (chick peas, lentils, baked beans, etc.), tofu and other soy products, boiled eggs, peanut and other nut butters
* Good non-dairy sources of fats include soy and safflower oils, flax seed and flax seed oil, walnuts, fish and fish oils, avocado.
* Calcium may be derived from many nondairy sources.
* Vitamin D can be supplied by sunlight exposure and food sources.
* Milk can also be substitued with cheese, whole-fat yogurt or ice cream. You can also put milk into various food products: pancakes, waffles, muffins, French toast, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, and baked goods.
Not to mention that there are about a million benefits besides bonding for nursing toddlers: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html
Finally... the thing is. I know breastfeeding isn't for everyone. I've even stopped wishing that it was. It worked for us, and it still works for us. When Angus wakes in the morning and nurses he gets a belly full of warm, nutrient rich, calorie and fat dense, loving momma milk and we see the benefits of endless. If you don't want to do it... don't. BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT CLAIMING FALSEHOODS (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-myths.html) THAT BELITTLE MY CHOICE IS JUST WRONG.
Now if I only had the balls to send this to Dr. Joe. :-P
Thursday, December 4, 2008
A little bit more...
this time I remembered what I realized in the rocking chair last night... probably because I didn't fall asleep this time... and had some delightful re-energizing cuddle time with my dear husband.
I used to think that if I disagreed with someone I respected it was because I was wrong. It didn't occur to me that we might just have a difference of opinion and that my opinion was still worth just as much.
hmm. fascinating. and VERY helpful for my heart.
I used to think that if I disagreed with someone I respected it was because I was wrong. It didn't occur to me that we might just have a difference of opinion and that my opinion was still worth just as much.
hmm. fascinating. and VERY helpful for my heart.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Teetering
Even my solid epiphany of last night/this morning is getting a little shaky... what the hell?
I'm going to try blogging about it and hoping to find clarity in the words. I'm looking for something firm, like a nice tofu steak.
So, I was in a meeting yesterday at work that started with someone I respect and admire ripping me (well, not me... but I took it personally and it was partially me) a new asshole. I cried. If you don't work where I work you may think this was a terrible meeting, but it really was great... one of the best I have had in a long time. I cried first because of how hurt and angry he was towards me and others despite the fact that I had been working my ass off to prevent the things he was hurt and angry about... and then then second time because I realized I hadn't really been working my ass off like I thought I had been. And it wasn't disappointment in myself that brought tears (although that feeling is lingering this afternoon) it was disappointment in allowing myself to be swallowed up by others.
This is not an uncommon theme in my life. I have a desire to be the best, the perfect, the one and only, the way and the light and so I give all of myself. To be the best wife I will be only a wife, to be the best mother I will be only a mother, to be the best teammater/coworker I will be all team/all the time... only those things don't really work. To be a good wife, mother, team player, I need to be all of those things at once and one more very important thing, I need to be myself.
and I haven't been. and that was the epiphany.
As I rocked Angus to sleep last night I planned about how to take action on said epiphany, and then I fell asleep in the chair and promptly forgot all my wisdom. Why do I not wear a pad & pen around my neck at all times?
I can only assume that my desire to please others left me in a place for a long part of my life where I didn't have too many strong stances of my own on any one issue. I waivered, was easily influenced (and still am in a lot of ways), but swayed and swerved, and teetered and tottered. I am still teetering, but not tottering. All my swaying and swerving represents a trend now... I am going in one direction, no more back and forth, not necessarily steady FORWARD progress but progress all the same. Becoming a mother has greatly helped this along. I have ideas now about things that I am not willing to give up to please you or him or her or that guy over there. No WAY and this resolve is bleeding over into other areas.
and there's the epiphany again/another version of it: being who I am as a mother is what makes me a good mother... I bet that being who I am while being a wife or a team player will make me a good wife/team player. Trying to blend into the relationship or blend into the team, trying to be only the partner or only the teammate instead of myself as a partner or myself as a teammate has taken away from my partnership, my team, and myself.
To avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater (never liked that saying...) I intend not to get too angry. For a day or two I might feel a little irritated, insulted that you dared to allow me to allow you to oppress me, but it will pass quickly. While likely a required part of the process, it's not really valuable to feel unkindly towards my partner or team.
So, I'm ready to move on with it now. I have some ideas, really good ones. I have me, and I am valuable, and I am going to start bringing me to the table and I am trusting that you will accept and appreciate that for all that is is.
Not to worry, I have no illusions that you will shower me with praise or always agree with my brilliant ideas, but I will not be giving up... not badgering, not demanding, but if there is something I want because it is a part of my core values I will not let it go to please you, I'll find a way to stay true to myself while still being your partner and teammate.
xoxo
I'm going to try blogging about it and hoping to find clarity in the words. I'm looking for something firm, like a nice tofu steak.
So, I was in a meeting yesterday at work that started with someone I respect and admire ripping me (well, not me... but I took it personally and it was partially me) a new asshole. I cried. If you don't work where I work you may think this was a terrible meeting, but it really was great... one of the best I have had in a long time. I cried first because of how hurt and angry he was towards me and others despite the fact that I had been working my ass off to prevent the things he was hurt and angry about... and then then second time because I realized I hadn't really been working my ass off like I thought I had been. And it wasn't disappointment in myself that brought tears (although that feeling is lingering this afternoon) it was disappointment in allowing myself to be swallowed up by others.
This is not an uncommon theme in my life. I have a desire to be the best, the perfect, the one and only, the way and the light and so I give all of myself. To be the best wife I will be only a wife, to be the best mother I will be only a mother, to be the best teammater/coworker I will be all team/all the time... only those things don't really work. To be a good wife, mother, team player, I need to be all of those things at once and one more very important thing, I need to be myself.
and I haven't been. and that was the epiphany.
As I rocked Angus to sleep last night I planned about how to take action on said epiphany, and then I fell asleep in the chair and promptly forgot all my wisdom. Why do I not wear a pad & pen around my neck at all times?
I can only assume that my desire to please others left me in a place for a long part of my life where I didn't have too many strong stances of my own on any one issue. I waivered, was easily influenced (and still am in a lot of ways), but swayed and swerved, and teetered and tottered. I am still teetering, but not tottering. All my swaying and swerving represents a trend now... I am going in one direction, no more back and forth, not necessarily steady FORWARD progress but progress all the same. Becoming a mother has greatly helped this along. I have ideas now about things that I am not willing to give up to please you or him or her or that guy over there. No WAY and this resolve is bleeding over into other areas.
and there's the epiphany again/another version of it: being who I am as a mother is what makes me a good mother... I bet that being who I am while being a wife or a team player will make me a good wife/team player. Trying to blend into the relationship or blend into the team, trying to be only the partner or only the teammate instead of myself as a partner or myself as a teammate has taken away from my partnership, my team, and myself.
To avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater (never liked that saying...) I intend not to get too angry. For a day or two I might feel a little irritated, insulted that you dared to allow me to allow you to oppress me, but it will pass quickly. While likely a required part of the process, it's not really valuable to feel unkindly towards my partner or team.
So, I'm ready to move on with it now. I have some ideas, really good ones. I have me, and I am valuable, and I am going to start bringing me to the table and I am trusting that you will accept and appreciate that for all that is is.
Not to worry, I have no illusions that you will shower me with praise or always agree with my brilliant ideas, but I will not be giving up... not badgering, not demanding, but if there is something I want because it is a part of my core values I will not let it go to please you, I'll find a way to stay true to myself while still being your partner and teammate.
xoxo
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tis the season to be vomiting...
fa la la la lalalala!
It occurred to me yesterday as I hung my head over the toilet bowl that I may get sick every year around this time... I wonder what I can do about that. I'll have to start being more mindful of where my head and heart are next year starting in early November.
I figure since I spent an entire 24 hours puking literally, it might be time for a little verbal diarrhea to accompany it. Old school Kate style.
I'm exhausted... and completely out of patience. Wait a minute, scratch that. I have ENORMOUS amounts of patience but I use it all up daily on my toddler. Who, frankly, is the most deserving. I think it's reasonable for an 18 month old to act like a baby... not so much for adults.
I have 11 emails marked as unread in my inbox reminding me to respond to people that I treasure and long to connect with to make my life more meaningful than what it is inside the walls of this house... but I'm so tired.
I need a sign, or instructions. Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little left out, a little hurt, a little unimportant, a little judged, a little under appreciated, a little underpaid, a little worried, a little potentially homeless or bankrupt.
It occurred to me the other day that when you don't have enough money to pay all of your bills moving is not the only choice. You can call all your utility companies and creditors and ask for a little wiggle room. That seems like a good plan, a nice way to buy an extra month... but does it sound like I have the energy to do something like that? If only I had a partner to do these sort of things. Someone who is frustrated at not being able to find work and needs some purpose, some way of contributing in a meaningful way to help rebuild his sense of self. If only.
By the way, this is the first blog post ever that I composed without "writing" it in my head first. How did I do?
It occurred to me yesterday as I hung my head over the toilet bowl that I may get sick every year around this time... I wonder what I can do about that. I'll have to start being more mindful of where my head and heart are next year starting in early November.
I figure since I spent an entire 24 hours puking literally, it might be time for a little verbal diarrhea to accompany it. Old school Kate style.
I'm exhausted... and completely out of patience. Wait a minute, scratch that. I have ENORMOUS amounts of patience but I use it all up daily on my toddler. Who, frankly, is the most deserving. I think it's reasonable for an 18 month old to act like a baby... not so much for adults.
I have 11 emails marked as unread in my inbox reminding me to respond to people that I treasure and long to connect with to make my life more meaningful than what it is inside the walls of this house... but I'm so tired.
I need a sign, or instructions. Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little left out, a little hurt, a little unimportant, a little judged, a little under appreciated, a little underpaid, a little worried, a little potentially homeless or bankrupt.
It occurred to me the other day that when you don't have enough money to pay all of your bills moving is not the only choice. You can call all your utility companies and creditors and ask for a little wiggle room. That seems like a good plan, a nice way to buy an extra month... but does it sound like I have the energy to do something like that? If only I had a partner to do these sort of things. Someone who is frustrated at not being able to find work and needs some purpose, some way of contributing in a meaningful way to help rebuild his sense of self. If only.
By the way, this is the first blog post ever that I composed without "writing" it in my head first. How did I do?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Something to ponder
The next time you see a fat person who claims to be poor and has trouble affording food, instead of thinking to yourself "well, she doesn't seem to have any trouble finding money for cheeseburgers" consider that maybe, just maybe, she used to be twice as fat and has been starving as a result of her poverty and has actually lost weight.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Dear John McCain,
Well played, sir, well played. I really enjoyed watching your speech last night. It was eloquent and respectful. I wanted to talk to you a little bit about the campaign. To kind of debrief where it might have gone wrong... Many will say it was the Palin choice, but I think she is just a symptom of a bigger strategy problem.
You see, you were an ideal candidate at one point... A true independent Maverick who stood proud on his own, never buying into the hype of either party and just acting in what you believed to be the best interest of the American people. It would have seemed that with that history you could have attracted and earned the votes of the many independent Americans out there... that should have been the case.
I have NO idea how you managed to win the Republican Primary. Maybe it was because there were too many other good candidates and the party votes were split between them leaving you to rise to the top? It seemed so unlikely, but you got it anyway. And that, my friend, is where it went wrong. Once you had the nomination, you had the conservative base. There is no way in hell any of them would have voted for Barack OR Hillary. Republicans historically, fall in line... you had them at hello.
Instead of recognizing that and playing to the middle (like so many successful candidates have done in the past) you spent much of your campaign trying to secure the conservative base of the republican party and in doing so, neglected the people who could have elected you. Conservative people are out there and they have a lot of money and a loud voice, but as you learned last night, they are not mighty in numbers, at least not in the places where it counts.
I'm afraid you sold yourself out trying to win a base that would have been yours by default and in doing so you lost the support of the people who were most likely to support you. I'm sorry that it happened that way, you could have even had my husband's vote... if you'd played your cards right.
Again, I enjoyed your speech last night. I am touched by your declaration of cooperation, I hope your constituents will do so as sincerely as you asked them to. I am saddened by the "boo"s I heard when you mentioned Obama in contrast to the cheers I heard when he mentioned you, but I am so proud of you for denouncing them. I hope you will be better able to influence your supporters to support the President Elect than you were able to draw them to the polls; I fear you won't. I wish you all the best and thank you for a great election year; it's been a blast.
Much love,
Kate M.
You see, you were an ideal candidate at one point... A true independent Maverick who stood proud on his own, never buying into the hype of either party and just acting in what you believed to be the best interest of the American people. It would have seemed that with that history you could have attracted and earned the votes of the many independent Americans out there... that should have been the case.
I have NO idea how you managed to win the Republican Primary. Maybe it was because there were too many other good candidates and the party votes were split between them leaving you to rise to the top? It seemed so unlikely, but you got it anyway. And that, my friend, is where it went wrong. Once you had the nomination, you had the conservative base. There is no way in hell any of them would have voted for Barack OR Hillary. Republicans historically, fall in line... you had them at hello.
Instead of recognizing that and playing to the middle (like so many successful candidates have done in the past) you spent much of your campaign trying to secure the conservative base of the republican party and in doing so, neglected the people who could have elected you. Conservative people are out there and they have a lot of money and a loud voice, but as you learned last night, they are not mighty in numbers, at least not in the places where it counts.
I'm afraid you sold yourself out trying to win a base that would have been yours by default and in doing so you lost the support of the people who were most likely to support you. I'm sorry that it happened that way, you could have even had my husband's vote... if you'd played your cards right.
Again, I enjoyed your speech last night. I am touched by your declaration of cooperation, I hope your constituents will do so as sincerely as you asked them to. I am saddened by the "boo"s I heard when you mentioned Obama in contrast to the cheers I heard when he mentioned you, but I am so proud of you for denouncing them. I hope you will be better able to influence your supporters to support the President Elect than you were able to draw them to the polls; I fear you won't. I wish you all the best and thank you for a great election year; it's been a blast.
Much love,
Kate M.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Fucking Al Qeada
There was a time, pre-911 when non-ticketed passengers could go all the way up to the gate to see there loved ones off or greet their arriving guests. One of my favorite scenes was the frazzled young father, hand in hand with a dirty toddler with a baby on his hip looking gratefully relieved as his wife emerged from the gate and relieved him of his single parent status after a business trip.
Away on my first business trip I long for nothing more than that very scene to be my own. Maybe that's why I wanted to be a mother so much... the need to be needed is strong in this one. I have of course that there is a limit to this desire... being needed TOO much is a bit heavy.
In order to answer "how i'm doing" I need to know how everyone else is doing. If they're fine... I'm fine. If they're not... I'm not.
Hmm... what if they're good? How awful would that be?
This is all Osama Bin Laden's fault!
(The picture is to show that I am making good use of my time as a single, childless woman to straighten my hair.)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Please Vote No on Prop 8
We are working on teaching Angus to say please when he is asking for something. It's going well. He rarely remembers to do it himself but when reminded he shyly smiles and gives an adorable "beeeez!" It's very difficult to resist.
Here's hoping this will have the same effect on you!
Having many conservative friends and being able to love them despite our differences makes this issue very difficult for me. I have heard enough of their explanations to truly understand where they are coming from. I really, truly do. To them, marriage is a religious institution; as much between them & God as it is between them and their partner. To them, the moral code of their religion is of the utmost importance, they see religion as the source of those morals and as a requirement to acquire and understand those morals. They desperately want their children to learn and understand this without challenge from the outside, not because they are closed minded or ignorant, but because they believe in these concepts with all their heart and soul. They are a part of them...
I also understand that the writers of Prop 8 are attempting to fight back in the name of the people. CA voters passed Prop 22 some years back banning gay marriage and the Supreme Court overruled that legislation because it was unconstitutional. The writers and supporters of Prop 8 believe that they have the best interest of the CA voters in mind when giving the opportunity to ban gay marriage again.
The thing is... those voters were wrong. The Supreme Court was right; it is unconstitutional to deny a legal classification to consenting adults because they are homosexual. Marriage, according to the state, is a legal contract. While your marriage may be between you, your spouse, and God... legal marriage is not. Straight people have always been free to define their marriage however they wish in their own homes. There are open marriages, religious marriages, marriages of convenience, marriage for money, marriage for citizenship. And while any of us might not agree with those definitions of marriage... as long as the people involved meet the legal requirements of this state (that they are consenting adults) then they are free to enter into the legal contract of marriage.
While we might find these things described above to be in poor taste they in NO way damage our marriage. Marriage, in the eyes of the law is a contract... one that two consenting adults enter into after paying a nominal fee and signing a certificate. Marriage, and what you make of it afterward is completely and totally up to you.
Please understand that it is wrong to discriminate against anyone for any reason. Please understand that banning gay marriage is discrimination. Please understand that it is wrong to ban gay marriage.
I understand that you believe gay marriage is wrong. I understand that you believe it so deeply that it feels like fact. I understand that you don't want your children to hear that it is okay from their teachers. You will always have the right to limit the exposure your child receives to different topics. As a vigilant parent you can discuss curriculum with teachers and administrators ahead of time and you can have your child removed from the classroom and engaged in another activity during a time when something that is against your personal beliefs is being taught. You will always have that right and you should exercise it.
We are each entitled to our beliefs. Keep those beliefs close to your heart, and fill your home with them, but please understand that they are YOUR beliefs and you cannot expect people who believe other things to be content with being discriminated against because of your beliefs.
Please do the right thing and please vote no on Prop 8.
Nervous Breakdown: Day Three (the conclusion?)
Today sucked... the physical symptoms persisted for much of the day. The improvement over yesterday was that I was able to control my emotions a bit better. I nearly got into it with a woman on the phone but decided it would be better to let it go. Progress for sure!
Most of the day was spent gritting my teeth and hiding behind a fake smile when people asked me how I was doing while a little person inside me was screaming "help me! i'm dying in here!" A couple people saw through the act but not being one to have breakdowns at work I made light of it, helped them joke about it to make them more comfortable and carried on with my work.
Who knew... me... queen of "everyone should let it all out all the time" holds shit in?! and well. ;)
I did a presentation with a co-worker in front of 11 disinterested trainees. I thought that would break me for sure but I survived it and built a little more self efficacy in the process.
I drove to pick up Angus and as soon as he saw me through the window he leaped off the teacher's lap, grabbed his lunch box, and ran to me laughing and shouting "momma! momma!"
Well. That certainly helped. :)
Once we got home my anxiety shifting from disabling to motivating (or should I say... normalized?). I took Angus to visit a neighbor lady who is always trying to connect with us, we walked down the street to watch some kids play with an RC car, we had dinner as a family, I put away the laundry, I attempted some sleep training (until I realized that he was sick and that was cruel and innappropriate)...
I'm hovering still. I am constantly anxious, truly... it's just part of me. But like I said above, mostly that's a motivator, it's what keeps me going. Sometimes it becomes disabling, but luckily only for most of 3 days this time it seems.
So, here's my question. When all you have is a husband, son, home, and job... and that's too much? What's gotta give? Something's gotta give...
Most of the day was spent gritting my teeth and hiding behind a fake smile when people asked me how I was doing while a little person inside me was screaming "help me! i'm dying in here!" A couple people saw through the act but not being one to have breakdowns at work I made light of it, helped them joke about it to make them more comfortable and carried on with my work.
Who knew... me... queen of "everyone should let it all out all the time" holds shit in?! and well. ;)
I did a presentation with a co-worker in front of 11 disinterested trainees. I thought that would break me for sure but I survived it and built a little more self efficacy in the process.
I drove to pick up Angus and as soon as he saw me through the window he leaped off the teacher's lap, grabbed his lunch box, and ran to me laughing and shouting "momma! momma!"
Well. That certainly helped. :)
Once we got home my anxiety shifting from disabling to motivating (or should I say... normalized?). I took Angus to visit a neighbor lady who is always trying to connect with us, we walked down the street to watch some kids play with an RC car, we had dinner as a family, I put away the laundry, I attempted some sleep training (until I realized that he was sick and that was cruel and innappropriate)...
I'm hovering still. I am constantly anxious, truly... it's just part of me. But like I said above, mostly that's a motivator, it's what keeps me going. Sometimes it becomes disabling, but luckily only for most of 3 days this time it seems.
So, here's my question. When all you have is a husband, son, home, and job... and that's too much? What's gotta give? Something's gotta give...
Nervous Breakdown: Day Three (morning)
It's 8:00 a.m. and I've already taken on Ativan. Still everything is bouncing around inside of me at a frantic pace. It's like my chest cavity is a bounce house and my organs are overly eager children. bounce bounce bounce, hit a wall, fall down!
This morning my shakes (now internal bounces) are accompanied by cold sweats and nausea.
What the HELL?! That's all I can say.
Good news: my child is adorable. Seeing him doesn't make me feel like running. I love him so much I could never leave.
Not as good news: despite the above, seeing him this morning made me sweat and shake uncontrollably.
I would type more but it's becoming increasingly difficult.
more later...
This morning my shakes (now internal bounces) are accompanied by cold sweats and nausea.
What the HELL?! That's all I can say.
Good news: my child is adorable. Seeing him doesn't make me feel like running. I love him so much I could never leave.
Not as good news: despite the above, seeing him this morning made me sweat and shake uncontrollably.
I would type more but it's becoming increasingly difficult.
more later...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Nervous Breakdown: Days One & Two
Always a supporter of education and exposure I thought I would let you all into my head for a little ride through what I like to call a breakdown. Let's start at the beginning. :)
Therapy went well last week. It was my first time seeing this woman and she told me right off the bat that she was very interactive, liked to give a lot of education and backup the things she was telling me, and I wouldn't ever hear her say "How do you feel about that, Kate?" Perfect! Really truly, I get enough of that at work...
She also helped me to see that my feelings of anger were perfectly natural responses to the whole load of crap that had been piled on top of me this summer. She complimented me for my excellent coping skills, gave me lots of positive feedback and reassurance, and built me up to take on a new week all by myself.
Sunday morning I woke up in a pissy mood. No apparent reason... just pissy. By midday my pissiness was a desperate need to escape. When looking at my baby I didn't see the love of my life, I saw demands and responsibility. Same with my husband, home, dog, work, etc. All were responsibility, too much... and I wanted nothing to do with any of them.
I left for a little while and went for a drive. After some crying and deep breathing I felt better and started to drive back home. The closer I got to home the faster my heart raced and the heavier my chest felt. The more my vision bounced and spinned trying to focus. I shoved it way deep inside and finished the day on the verge of exploding. You know that feeling when anger or worry is physical? Like your skin is crawling? Getting ready at any moment to turn inside out or jump off your body or burst into flames?
Rod & I made chocolate chip cookies, watched a documentary about what earth would be like after there were no people (blissful, I think) and fell asleep on the couch. The night was uneventful. Angus woke up coughing at 1 am and came to bed with us. He slept from then until 5 when he started thrashing and tooting. I ran out of patience at 6 am and we got up.
It occurred to me from the moment I got out of bed that I was still a bit messed up... I didn't know what was wrong, but I figured I would work from home that morning to try and get a grip. I ate most of the remaining cookies while waiting for my mom to pick up angus...
Hours later I was sitting in front of the TV, laptop in my lap, trying to work and my head was spinning. Seriously, it feels like inside my head my brain just spins and spins and spins and spins, making it nearly impossible to see anything or do anything. I composed 1/2 a dozed emails and deleted all of what I wrote. Rod woke up and teased me about "leaving him some cookies" and I lost it.
In a pathetic, quiet voice I said "baby, please stop." Then in a louder voice full of rage and tears I screamed "just leave me alone!" That succeeded in scaring him away... Before he left for work I apologized and explained that I was really losing it. I don't know if he didn't buy it, or was still mad about being yelled at, but he didn't react in any way that showed he understood the intensity of my feelings.
I called the therapist and made an appt for Friday, but didn't tell her how I was feeling. I called the psychiatrists office and was forced to tell a receptionist how I was feeling to get access to a doctor. I got a Rx refilled for a fast acting anti anxiety drug. I knew I could sort everything out with a little leveling off.
For the rest of the morning I tried to work, cried, thought about showering, cried, waited to be called back about the meds, cried, talked to a friend, cried, tried to eat, cried, and cried. I was so tired, from life. I was so overwhelmed and I didn't have the energy to do it anymore... to live. I wouldn't kill myself, but I wouldn't mind just ceasing to exist.
In my head I was angry at Rod for making me do everything (even though he had spent the entire weekend cleaning the house, cooking, and playing with Angus). In my head I was an awful mother. In my head I had no friends, and no one understood me. In my head I was terrible at my job and never got anything done. Inside didn't match outside, but the inside was soooo real... the inside was truth.
2 ativan later I am able to hold it together to pick up angus, eat dinner, and get him to bed... well... almost... Rod took over after 1/2 hour of rocking resulted in a wide awake baby staring up at me. My skin is still crawling... my head is still spinning. ...I wonder how much longer this will last...
watch for day 3 tomorrow!
Therapy went well last week. It was my first time seeing this woman and she told me right off the bat that she was very interactive, liked to give a lot of education and backup the things she was telling me, and I wouldn't ever hear her say "How do you feel about that, Kate?" Perfect! Really truly, I get enough of that at work...
She also helped me to see that my feelings of anger were perfectly natural responses to the whole load of crap that had been piled on top of me this summer. She complimented me for my excellent coping skills, gave me lots of positive feedback and reassurance, and built me up to take on a new week all by myself.
Sunday morning I woke up in a pissy mood. No apparent reason... just pissy. By midday my pissiness was a desperate need to escape. When looking at my baby I didn't see the love of my life, I saw demands and responsibility. Same with my husband, home, dog, work, etc. All were responsibility, too much... and I wanted nothing to do with any of them.
I left for a little while and went for a drive. After some crying and deep breathing I felt better and started to drive back home. The closer I got to home the faster my heart raced and the heavier my chest felt. The more my vision bounced and spinned trying to focus. I shoved it way deep inside and finished the day on the verge of exploding. You know that feeling when anger or worry is physical? Like your skin is crawling? Getting ready at any moment to turn inside out or jump off your body or burst into flames?
Rod & I made chocolate chip cookies, watched a documentary about what earth would be like after there were no people (blissful, I think) and fell asleep on the couch. The night was uneventful. Angus woke up coughing at 1 am and came to bed with us. He slept from then until 5 when he started thrashing and tooting. I ran out of patience at 6 am and we got up.
It occurred to me from the moment I got out of bed that I was still a bit messed up... I didn't know what was wrong, but I figured I would work from home that morning to try and get a grip. I ate most of the remaining cookies while waiting for my mom to pick up angus...
Hours later I was sitting in front of the TV, laptop in my lap, trying to work and my head was spinning. Seriously, it feels like inside my head my brain just spins and spins and spins and spins, making it nearly impossible to see anything or do anything. I composed 1/2 a dozed emails and deleted all of what I wrote. Rod woke up and teased me about "leaving him some cookies" and I lost it.
In a pathetic, quiet voice I said "baby, please stop." Then in a louder voice full of rage and tears I screamed "just leave me alone!" That succeeded in scaring him away... Before he left for work I apologized and explained that I was really losing it. I don't know if he didn't buy it, or was still mad about being yelled at, but he didn't react in any way that showed he understood the intensity of my feelings.
I called the therapist and made an appt for Friday, but didn't tell her how I was feeling. I called the psychiatrists office and was forced to tell a receptionist how I was feeling to get access to a doctor. I got a Rx refilled for a fast acting anti anxiety drug. I knew I could sort everything out with a little leveling off.
For the rest of the morning I tried to work, cried, thought about showering, cried, waited to be called back about the meds, cried, talked to a friend, cried, tried to eat, cried, and cried. I was so tired, from life. I was so overwhelmed and I didn't have the energy to do it anymore... to live. I wouldn't kill myself, but I wouldn't mind just ceasing to exist.
In my head I was angry at Rod for making me do everything (even though he had spent the entire weekend cleaning the house, cooking, and playing with Angus). In my head I was an awful mother. In my head I had no friends, and no one understood me. In my head I was terrible at my job and never got anything done. Inside didn't match outside, but the inside was soooo real... the inside was truth.
2 ativan later I am able to hold it together to pick up angus, eat dinner, and get him to bed... well... almost... Rod took over after 1/2 hour of rocking resulted in a wide awake baby staring up at me. My skin is still crawling... my head is still spinning. ...I wonder how much longer this will last...
watch for day 3 tomorrow!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Long time... No blog...
Does anyone want an Amish Frienship Bread Starter? I have a gazillion of them and I am finding them difficult to give away. Perhaps other people don't want to discover that their husband and son would like nothing more than to eat Amish Friendship Bread all day every day?
So... I'm going to therapy today. I haven't been blogging because I am too damn angry... angry at many of you. You should take a moment to reflect on whether or not you have done something to piss me off. It's highly likely. ;)
So, post therapy I will hopefully be enlightened enough to put my feelings back into words that don't start with F and end with UCK. Or maybe even sentences that don't start with "You did..." or end with "...because you're stupid."
xoxo
So... I'm going to therapy today. I haven't been blogging because I am too damn angry... angry at many of you. You should take a moment to reflect on whether or not you have done something to piss me off. It's highly likely. ;)
So, post therapy I will hopefully be enlightened enough to put my feelings back into words that don't start with F and end with UCK. Or maybe even sentences that don't start with "You did..." or end with "...because you're stupid."
xoxo
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sex in public... and AM I famous yet?
I've never really be interested in having sex in public. There have been plenty of opportunities... and while the thrill is... well... THRILLING! the fear of being caught is too much to bear. I don't think actually being caught would be thrilling, in fact I think it would be downright horrible. So... the closest I've ever come is sex in the backyard. Which was just the right amount of thrilling and just the right amount of safe and just the right amount of dog poop (none, in case you were wondering).
but this blog... wowza! The thrill of getting "caught" (being read) is a big part of why I do this. I write some not so nice things, usually about myself, and there is a chance someone might see them. I was never into journaling, but the thrill in blogging gives me the emotional release I need.
I had no idea I had so many readers. Seriously... I thought that my brother in law, his girl, my mom, my mother in law, my friend jen, and my husband read the blog. I would write stuff that was a little too personal or too crazy to say to any of them in person, and I know they relished reading it... who doesn't want to get deepy into the mucky dirty part of the head of someone they know in real life, right? Well, apparently my crazy friends and family do! I made a rule that there would be no blog discussing. If they had a comment, they could comment online, but that was it. I'm all about exposure and emotional nudity, but I gotta have at least one layer of emotional clothing on when face to face with people.
I had mentioned this blog once on a private message board, and the family blog more than once on a public message board, but I had no idea people were actually coming on a regular basis... yikes!
Post so I know you're here so I can censor myself accordingly in the future (nah, just kidding about the censoring). and... now... if there are that many of you... when do I start getting paid for this? AM I famous yet?
but this blog... wowza! The thrill of getting "caught" (being read) is a big part of why I do this. I write some not so nice things, usually about myself, and there is a chance someone might see them. I was never into journaling, but the thrill in blogging gives me the emotional release I need.
I had no idea I had so many readers. Seriously... I thought that my brother in law, his girl, my mom, my mother in law, my friend jen, and my husband read the blog. I would write stuff that was a little too personal or too crazy to say to any of them in person, and I know they relished reading it... who doesn't want to get deepy into the mucky dirty part of the head of someone they know in real life, right? Well, apparently my crazy friends and family do! I made a rule that there would be no blog discussing. If they had a comment, they could comment online, but that was it. I'm all about exposure and emotional nudity, but I gotta have at least one layer of emotional clothing on when face to face with people.
I had mentioned this blog once on a private message board, and the family blog more than once on a public message board, but I had no idea people were actually coming on a regular basis... yikes!
Post so I know you're here so I can censor myself accordingly in the future (nah, just kidding about the censoring). and... now... if there are that many of you... when do I start getting paid for this? AM I famous yet?
So close, yet so far away
Oh CRAP! I'm a total asshole!!!!!!!!! You know that feeling when you work hard to become a better person, to be more "enlightened" if you will, and then one stupid moment sends you reeling back into the tiny, broken person space you previously occupied?!
Well, that happened recently. That's all I can say.
just kidding. :)
So, my last post... about breaking up with my friend... the one where I was so sure that I was right because we just didn't "get" each other... yeah, that one... Nope. Not true. Totally wrong. Totally me being afraid of judgement that didn't even exist!
In being friends with someone who was different from me in a lot of ways I was battling a major fear: being judged for the choices I make that are "unpopular." When I was challenged in a brief moment in the friend's house (not even by the friend herself, ack! i'm such a jerk!) I quickly jumped to assuming that my fear was coming true and that the right thing to do was to protect myself from further judgement at all costs. From that point on (until now), every little irrational thought I had about us being too different, or not meshing was given life and validity.
I thought I was so right... and I was so wrong...
Shit. What an asshole (me).
So, to clarify this all for everyone (because apparently I have many readers?!)... What happened between my friend and I had nothing to do with our political or religious differences. Yes, a heated moment occured where those issues were at play, and then I used those differences to create space between us to "protect myself," but what this really had to do with is me being very afraid of judgement, being desperate for acceptance, and thinking that I was vulnerable and reacting "accordingly." She never did anything wrong... she has always been accepting... she has always been welcoming of my point of view... I was just scared, and blind as a result.
I hope everyone has enjoyed this little peek into my fucked up existence. Maybe this has done good somehow? Maybe someone else will learn something from this? I know I will, but I hope some greater good came of it than that. Hopefully I can go repair my friendship now and things will go back to normal...
Wish me luck!
Well, that happened recently. That's all I can say.
just kidding. :)
So, my last post... about breaking up with my friend... the one where I was so sure that I was right because we just didn't "get" each other... yeah, that one... Nope. Not true. Totally wrong. Totally me being afraid of judgement that didn't even exist!
In being friends with someone who was different from me in a lot of ways I was battling a major fear: being judged for the choices I make that are "unpopular." When I was challenged in a brief moment in the friend's house (not even by the friend herself, ack! i'm such a jerk!) I quickly jumped to assuming that my fear was coming true and that the right thing to do was to protect myself from further judgement at all costs. From that point on (until now), every little irrational thought I had about us being too different, or not meshing was given life and validity.
I thought I was so right... and I was so wrong...
Shit. What an asshole (me).
So, to clarify this all for everyone (because apparently I have many readers?!)... What happened between my friend and I had nothing to do with our political or religious differences. Yes, a heated moment occured where those issues were at play, and then I used those differences to create space between us to "protect myself," but what this really had to do with is me being very afraid of judgement, being desperate for acceptance, and thinking that I was vulnerable and reacting "accordingly." She never did anything wrong... she has always been accepting... she has always been welcoming of my point of view... I was just scared, and blind as a result.
I hope everyone has enjoyed this little peek into my fucked up existence. Maybe this has done good somehow? Maybe someone else will learn something from this? I know I will, but I hope some greater good came of it than that. Hopefully I can go repair my friendship now and things will go back to normal...
Wish me luck!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
They say that breaking up is hard to do...
now i know, i know that it's true.
don't worry, faithful readers... I'm not leaving rod. all is (as) well (as can be expected) in marriage land.
instead i am writing today to tell you about a friend i've lost. lost seems like a funny word to use, because it's all my doing... all my fault.
i've been hanging with a fellow mom for a while, maybe almost a year now. we have a lot in common, including having sons who are exactly one week apart in age, or so it seemed at first: we both wanted an unmedicated birth, we both cloth diapered, breastfed, we were both funny and witty, we were both very into an online community we co led. we were also very different, religiously and politically. which, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal... we mostly didn't talk about it and I think we were both proud that we had been able to look past the differences and still enjoy each other.
so, we had fun. we hung out a lot, went to disneyland, compared baby care notes, and laughed a lot. still... there was always something missing for me. the longer we hung out the more of our differences i started to notice (and they weren't the political ones)... i was accustomed to a different style of talking about my emotions and was willing to be exposed much of the time where she seemed to protect herself in that way... i was fine with an occasional email or get together but she seemed to want more... I started to feel a lack of balance in our friendship.
I ignored it and journeyed on. i continued having fun with her but there was always a wall up because i didn't feel like she "got me." soon, i stopped talking about myself much at all and stuck to the topics that we did have in common. and that was good, it was fun, and friendly and there was still lots of laughter. i never had the grace or maturity to tell her how i felt or give her a chance to know me better...
recently we had a falling out. it was sparked by a political discussion that got heated, i got turned off, and i decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. despite the fact that i claim to be open minded i explained that our differences were just too much for me to take. i was never brave enough to explain how closed off i had been feeling for so long. she told me what i had feared most, that she felt very close to me, and that i had really hurt her.
so here i am again... a friendship lost, a person hurt. i don't know if i've ever done this before but it feels familiar. i hold back who i am, i hold back the truth, but i don't set boundaries that match and i misled this woman. she is kind, funny, intelligent and has a great heart. i still don't think we should be close friends, i still think we are too different, but i wish i had the foresight to establish better boundaries in the beginning. i wish i had been brave enough to do what was right for me from the start... maybe i could have avoided hurting her so badly.
i hope one day she'll forgive me and we will have some sort of relationship again... but i don't know if we will. i don't know if we can come to a consensus about what we want from each other in this lifetime.
don't worry, faithful readers... I'm not leaving rod. all is (as) well (as can be expected) in marriage land.
instead i am writing today to tell you about a friend i've lost. lost seems like a funny word to use, because it's all my doing... all my fault.
i've been hanging with a fellow mom for a while, maybe almost a year now. we have a lot in common, including having sons who are exactly one week apart in age, or so it seemed at first: we both wanted an unmedicated birth, we both cloth diapered, breastfed, we were both funny and witty, we were both very into an online community we co led. we were also very different, religiously and politically. which, honestly, wasn't that big of a deal... we mostly didn't talk about it and I think we were both proud that we had been able to look past the differences and still enjoy each other.
so, we had fun. we hung out a lot, went to disneyland, compared baby care notes, and laughed a lot. still... there was always something missing for me. the longer we hung out the more of our differences i started to notice (and they weren't the political ones)... i was accustomed to a different style of talking about my emotions and was willing to be exposed much of the time where she seemed to protect herself in that way... i was fine with an occasional email or get together but she seemed to want more... I started to feel a lack of balance in our friendship.
I ignored it and journeyed on. i continued having fun with her but there was always a wall up because i didn't feel like she "got me." soon, i stopped talking about myself much at all and stuck to the topics that we did have in common. and that was good, it was fun, and friendly and there was still lots of laughter. i never had the grace or maturity to tell her how i felt or give her a chance to know me better...
recently we had a falling out. it was sparked by a political discussion that got heated, i got turned off, and i decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. despite the fact that i claim to be open minded i explained that our differences were just too much for me to take. i was never brave enough to explain how closed off i had been feeling for so long. she told me what i had feared most, that she felt very close to me, and that i had really hurt her.
so here i am again... a friendship lost, a person hurt. i don't know if i've ever done this before but it feels familiar. i hold back who i am, i hold back the truth, but i don't set boundaries that match and i misled this woman. she is kind, funny, intelligent and has a great heart. i still don't think we should be close friends, i still think we are too different, but i wish i had the foresight to establish better boundaries in the beginning. i wish i had been brave enough to do what was right for me from the start... maybe i could have avoided hurting her so badly.
i hope one day she'll forgive me and we will have some sort of relationship again... but i don't know if we will. i don't know if we can come to a consensus about what we want from each other in this lifetime.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The curse of the open mind
I'm sure I've complained about this before, and I am sure it is not going to do me any favors to do so aloud in cyberspace... in fact, I am confident that this post will just be additional fuel for the "Katy is a completely delusional narcissist" fire that my paranoid, conspiracy theorist mind has convinced me is burning deep in each of your hearts. but... I keep typing. I know you all like this blog. let's face it, it's entertaining. and I'll do anything for love.
So, I have noticed lately that the tiny ball of bitterness I carry around inside of me is growing. Every day it is watered, fed, and fertilized by an interaction with someone else and it is far beyond a seedling now. I think it may be even be flowering as a precursor to bearing fruit. Let's just say... it's a mature plant now. :)
Basically, I have a gift. I can see my effect on a situation. I can see, and often clearly and quickly, how I can negatively or positively effect a situation; what I can say or do to escalate a conflict or help it dissipate. It's a pretty cool skill... I don't always use it for good. Sometimes I see where things are going and I still choose the road of conflict and continued drama mongering... sometimes I ignore it all together, but most of the time, more so now that I am a mature (scoff!) adult I use my gift for good.
When my husband is bitchy and clingy I know what I can do to turn his mood around in less than 1/2 an hour and I "do it". When someone at work is frustrated because they have a lot on their plate, I offer to do things for him and switch into a caretaker role ignoring my own need for the same respect. When engaged in a debate with someone of differing beliefs I often choose to open my mind and show them that I understand where they are coming from; point out to them the ways in which I agree.
But you know what doesn't happen often? My husband rarely says to himself "I am being a jerk because I'm horny, I'm going to go rub one out and then be nicer to the people around me." My co-workers rarely see me drowning in a sea of tasks and offer to help. My friends of differing opinions rarely agree that my point of view has ANY validity.
Why is that? Why does it fall on me to do the right thing... just because I know what the right thing is?! Is that it?! And if that is it... am I really to believe that these competent, caring, intelligent people around me don't also know the right thing? How can that be?
I guess I am just too brilliant for this world... me and spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility. sigh. Sorry Mary Jane, it's just too dangerous for us to be together, you'll only be hurt by the aftermath of my exceedingly enlightened lifestyle.
chuckle chuckle snort!
So, I have noticed lately that the tiny ball of bitterness I carry around inside of me is growing. Every day it is watered, fed, and fertilized by an interaction with someone else and it is far beyond a seedling now. I think it may be even be flowering as a precursor to bearing fruit. Let's just say... it's a mature plant now. :)
Basically, I have a gift. I can see my effect on a situation. I can see, and often clearly and quickly, how I can negatively or positively effect a situation; what I can say or do to escalate a conflict or help it dissipate. It's a pretty cool skill... I don't always use it for good. Sometimes I see where things are going and I still choose the road of conflict and continued drama mongering... sometimes I ignore it all together, but most of the time, more so now that I am a mature (scoff!) adult I use my gift for good.
When my husband is bitchy and clingy I know what I can do to turn his mood around in less than 1/2 an hour and I "do it". When someone at work is frustrated because they have a lot on their plate, I offer to do things for him and switch into a caretaker role ignoring my own need for the same respect. When engaged in a debate with someone of differing beliefs I often choose to open my mind and show them that I understand where they are coming from; point out to them the ways in which I agree.
But you know what doesn't happen often? My husband rarely says to himself "I am being a jerk because I'm horny, I'm going to go rub one out and then be nicer to the people around me." My co-workers rarely see me drowning in a sea of tasks and offer to help. My friends of differing opinions rarely agree that my point of view has ANY validity.
Why is that? Why does it fall on me to do the right thing... just because I know what the right thing is?! Is that it?! And if that is it... am I really to believe that these competent, caring, intelligent people around me don't also know the right thing? How can that be?
I guess I am just too brilliant for this world... me and spiderman. With great power comes great responsibility. sigh. Sorry Mary Jane, it's just too dangerous for us to be together, you'll only be hurt by the aftermath of my exceedingly enlightened lifestyle.
chuckle chuckle snort!
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Unkindness of Strangers
I haven't posted much recently (duh!) not because there isn't plenty going on... but mostly because it is Rod's stuff and this isn't Rod's blog. Since my mini roller coaster of moods (see previous posts) I have balanced out/leveled off and have been feeling pretty good overall for a while now. BTW, sorry for being so pissy; everyone I choose to have in my life is doing for me exactly what I want them to... and if I need more I will ask, really... I will.
So, there you have it. I am feeling pretty secure in my role as the person who sees Rod through this. I am here to help him find reasons to continue to fight and get past this (whatever "this" is). It is draining, it is frustrating, it is sometimes painful... but it is worth it because he is the man I love, and the father of my baby, and we got a lot of life ahead of us.
So, despite being more enlightened than ever (snort!) I have been having some unfortunate run-ins with the general public. From a pizza party run in with an older woman who felt it would be appropriate to comment on my serving size (which was moderate, by the way) to another mother outside a claim jumper who was confident enough that her parenting style was superior to mine that she said it aloud... I just keep running into idiots who are not afraid to tell me how they feel! How annoying is that? Perhaps I am making myself toooooo open...
So this all comes to a head (I hope this is it) yesterday afternoon at a gas station. I pull into a driveway and there is no way to a pump on the correct side of the car, so I drive around the pumps to pull into an open spot. As I approach a car is coming in off the street, so I wait for that car and once he passes I proceed again. but WAIT! Now he's backing up... headed for the same space as me... so I wait again until he has backed into the pump aisle I am headed for... but he doesn't back all the way in allowing me to use the other pump, he stops. right there at the entrance. I pull my car up gently to show him that I was needing to pump there too and give him a wave.
He looks at me... and looks away.
I give him a friendly "beep beep" and a wave.
He looks at me... and looks away.
I roll down my window to wave a little wilder and give another little "toot toot"
He looks at me... and looks away. Now he is getting out of his car! ?!?!?!
I lean my head out of the window... "Sir, can you please back up further so I can use the pump too?"
He doesn't EVEN look at me and just starts heading towards the cashier.
"Can you HEAR me?!"
He doesn't flinch
"Dude, that's messed up" (in a stage whisper)
He turns around in all his sunburnt arms in a dingy tank top glory and his blond moustache curls around his mouth as he screams: "FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!"
WELL!
So, there you have it. I am feeling pretty secure in my role as the person who sees Rod through this. I am here to help him find reasons to continue to fight and get past this (whatever "this" is). It is draining, it is frustrating, it is sometimes painful... but it is worth it because he is the man I love, and the father of my baby, and we got a lot of life ahead of us.
So, despite being more enlightened than ever (snort!) I have been having some unfortunate run-ins with the general public. From a pizza party run in with an older woman who felt it would be appropriate to comment on my serving size (which was moderate, by the way) to another mother outside a claim jumper who was confident enough that her parenting style was superior to mine that she said it aloud... I just keep running into idiots who are not afraid to tell me how they feel! How annoying is that? Perhaps I am making myself toooooo open...
So this all comes to a head (I hope this is it) yesterday afternoon at a gas station. I pull into a driveway and there is no way to a pump on the correct side of the car, so I drive around the pumps to pull into an open spot. As I approach a car is coming in off the street, so I wait for that car and once he passes I proceed again. but WAIT! Now he's backing up... headed for the same space as me... so I wait again until he has backed into the pump aisle I am headed for... but he doesn't back all the way in allowing me to use the other pump, he stops. right there at the entrance. I pull my car up gently to show him that I was needing to pump there too and give him a wave.
He looks at me... and looks away.
I give him a friendly "beep beep" and a wave.
He looks at me... and looks away.
I roll down my window to wave a little wilder and give another little "toot toot"
He looks at me... and looks away. Now he is getting out of his car! ?!?!?!
I lean my head out of the window... "Sir, can you please back up further so I can use the pump too?"
He doesn't EVEN look at me and just starts heading towards the cashier.
"Can you HEAR me?!"
He doesn't flinch
"Dude, that's messed up" (in a stage whisper)
He turns around in all his sunburnt arms in a dingy tank top glory and his blond moustache curls around his mouth as he screams: "FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!"
WELL!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Vacation Remorse
I was reminded recently that I had some vacation days scheduled for this week. They were scheduled back before everything fell apart... then Rod got sick, the trip to Yosemite got canceled and our lives got one step closer to being the way I don't want them to be.
What the fuck is up with me? Weren't my last several posts about how awesome everything is? About how I have found myself?
Does finding myself have to be equivalent to unearthing a moody, dramatic, demon? Is this "myself"? Do I feel not myself when I am attempting to hold down my extreme emotions to fit in and please all of you? Am I myself when I am all over the place? Why do the feelings of accomplishment and confidence I had just a week ago have to be following by the feelings of frustration and anger I have today?
So, tomorrow through Thursday I am off of work. I have tentatively scheduled the following: Tuesday-me (hair, nails, sleep), Wednesday-house (garden, little projects, sleep?), Thursday-angus... I am looking forward to Thursday. Tomorrow, however, is terrifying. and what makes it terrifying is that I would RATHER go to WORK than stay home alone and be with my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I want to be by myself for a little while... I am so drained that I need to recharge, I have nothing left to give, but I am sooooo drained that I don't even know if I can deal with myself right now.
These past months have been much harder on me than I realized until yesterday at California Adventure when I was crying at the "Drawn to Magic" stage show. Yup.
I am terrified of losing my husband and the only way I know how to cope is to become super efficient, super composed, and super charming. Only, that doesn't last long. Apparently it lasts approximately two months.
My life has gone a little something like this lately (I'm bold, you're italics)
Hi, how's Rod?
He's the same.
How's Angus?
He's great!
How are you?
Um... Well... I'm not so goo-
He (angus) just gave me a kiss! Did you see that?
-or-
Well, I better get going now, it's getting late
-or-
Shoot, the bread!
-or-
Look! Something shiny!
and I completely understand... Rod and Angus are VERY important. Imagine how important they are to you and then multiply that by infinity and that's how important they are to me. but you know what... I gotta be important too.
I need people to understand that after months of not acknowledging my own tired soul for a moment in order to care for these boys that when I say I am sick I don't need to give you a list of my symptoms and explain their severity and push myself to the point that I am on the verge of vomiting or passing out before you notice enough to offer to take care of me.
And on that note... enough with the offering. Just do it.
I am not going to call you and ask you to take my baby for a moment so I can catch up on things around the house. All this does is provoke his separation anxiety and then prompt him to leech onto me for the rest of the day... just come do my dishes instead.
I am not going to call you and tell you that we are too broke to buy food. So please just pick us up to go grocery shopping or bring us some meals.
I know that I should be a big enough person to ask for help when I need it... but I'm not. and let's face it... none of you are either. So, please do for me what you would want me to do for you. Please understand that the people who need the most help are often in no emotional state to reach out and ask for it. Just help. Stop offering.
Well, actually... don't. because it's too late anyway. I've got it all under control.
pfft.
What the fuck is up with me? Weren't my last several posts about how awesome everything is? About how I have found myself?
Does finding myself have to be equivalent to unearthing a moody, dramatic, demon? Is this "myself"? Do I feel not myself when I am attempting to hold down my extreme emotions to fit in and please all of you? Am I myself when I am all over the place? Why do the feelings of accomplishment and confidence I had just a week ago have to be following by the feelings of frustration and anger I have today?
So, tomorrow through Thursday I am off of work. I have tentatively scheduled the following: Tuesday-me (hair, nails, sleep), Wednesday-house (garden, little projects, sleep?), Thursday-angus... I am looking forward to Thursday. Tomorrow, however, is terrifying. and what makes it terrifying is that I would RATHER go to WORK than stay home alone and be with my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I want to be by myself for a little while... I am so drained that I need to recharge, I have nothing left to give, but I am sooooo drained that I don't even know if I can deal with myself right now.
These past months have been much harder on me than I realized until yesterday at California Adventure when I was crying at the "Drawn to Magic" stage show. Yup.
I am terrified of losing my husband and the only way I know how to cope is to become super efficient, super composed, and super charming. Only, that doesn't last long. Apparently it lasts approximately two months.
My life has gone a little something like this lately (I'm bold, you're italics)
Hi, how's Rod?
He's the same.
How's Angus?
He's great!
How are you?
Um... Well... I'm not so goo-
He (angus) just gave me a kiss! Did you see that?
-or-
Well, I better get going now, it's getting late
-or-
Shoot, the bread!
-or-
Look! Something shiny!
and I completely understand... Rod and Angus are VERY important. Imagine how important they are to you and then multiply that by infinity and that's how important they are to me. but you know what... I gotta be important too.
I need people to understand that after months of not acknowledging my own tired soul for a moment in order to care for these boys that when I say I am sick I don't need to give you a list of my symptoms and explain their severity and push myself to the point that I am on the verge of vomiting or passing out before you notice enough to offer to take care of me.
And on that note... enough with the offering. Just do it.
I am not going to call you and ask you to take my baby for a moment so I can catch up on things around the house. All this does is provoke his separation anxiety and then prompt him to leech onto me for the rest of the day... just come do my dishes instead.
I am not going to call you and tell you that we are too broke to buy food. So please just pick us up to go grocery shopping or bring us some meals.
I know that I should be a big enough person to ask for help when I need it... but I'm not. and let's face it... none of you are either. So, please do for me what you would want me to do for you. Please understand that the people who need the most help are often in no emotional state to reach out and ask for it. Just help. Stop offering.
Well, actually... don't. because it's too late anyway. I've got it all under control.
pfft.
Friday, August 1, 2008
I kick ASS
Things are still going well. There have been little dips here and there but overall I am still very much on top of my game.
I am so happy at work. I really, finally "get it" but please don't ask me to explain it to you... it's really not that interesting from the outside, I know... I was on the outside until very recently.
My husband thanked me today for taking good care of him and for being agressive about him needing to seek treatment for his pain. He goes to a chiro now (which I previously would have bet was voo doo nonsense) and is starting to feel a little bit better.
I can bleed for a week and not die... which I've heard means I shouldn't be trusted, but I think it is just further evidence of my asskickiness.
I made a beautiful, smart, charming human being who just keeps getting better and better!
I am so happy at work. I really, finally "get it" but please don't ask me to explain it to you... it's really not that interesting from the outside, I know... I was on the outside until very recently.
My husband thanked me today for taking good care of him and for being agressive about him needing to seek treatment for his pain. He goes to a chiro now (which I previously would have bet was voo doo nonsense) and is starting to feel a little bit better.
I can bleed for a week and not die... which I've heard means I shouldn't be trusted, but I think it is just further evidence of my asskickiness.
I made a beautiful, smart, charming human being who just keeps getting better and better!
An apology, complete with retraction & correction!
I agreed face to face with Rod that I would retract my last statement because it simply was not true (well, that's what he said. I agreed to retract it because it was mean and I felt bed).
So, I prepared my retraction and on Monday this is what I came up with:
Retraction
Or maybe... A clarification. Yes, I said that rod had given up and I didn't really know that. I assumed I knew, I wrote it, and it hurt him. I'm sorry.
That was the retraction, this is the clarification. Life with rod is an emotional roller coaster because my life is an emotional roller coaster... Life with anyone would be turbulent because I am turbulent!
Funny, but somehow I got the idea that I was flexible... If you want to change plans and ask me if I am okay with that, I often am... But if you just change them or tell me you are changing them... I lose it!
Angus slept through the night on friday and saturday, which was great, but didn't last night and I am destroyed!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
now that I have stewed in that for a bit, I realize it is pompous and obnoxious and if I post it I will have to post another retraction later, so I am just going to apologize now.
Sorry, baby. I retract my statement. It was untrue. xoxo
So, I prepared my retraction and on Monday this is what I came up with:
Retraction
Or maybe... A clarification. Yes, I said that rod had given up and I didn't really know that. I assumed I knew, I wrote it, and it hurt him. I'm sorry.
That was the retraction, this is the clarification. Life with rod is an emotional roller coaster because my life is an emotional roller coaster... Life with anyone would be turbulent because I am turbulent!
Funny, but somehow I got the idea that I was flexible... If you want to change plans and ask me if I am okay with that, I often am... But if you just change them or tell me you are changing them... I lose it!
Angus slept through the night on friday and saturday, which was great, but didn't last night and I am destroyed!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
now that I have stewed in that for a bit, I realize it is pompous and obnoxious and if I post it I will have to post another retraction later, so I am just going to apologize now.
Sorry, baby. I retract my statement. It was untrue. xoxo
Friday, July 25, 2008
i'm renaming the blog
i'm taking submissions... the name must reflect the following theme: being married to rod is an emotional roller coaster. sigh.
i'm still doing okay if anyone is interested... but he... has given up again for some reason. GOD DAMN IT!
i'm still doing okay if anyone is interested... but he... has given up again for some reason. GOD DAMN IT!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Finally... Myself First
"happiness is a warm gun mama"
"bang Bang shoot Shoot"
I've had that song stuck in my head for days! I didn't think it was significant until I looked up the lyrics:
She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do- oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Ooooooooohhh, oh yeah!)
And when I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
-Yes it is, it's a warm gun!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is...
GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Yeeeaahhh!
Now... I still don't think it is significant. and if you do, you are trying too hard (haha, foolin' you!). Kind of like people that like "No Country For Old Men." Seriously... that movie sucked, but I know you feel pressure to act like you understood it and it was cool so others think you're smart. I understand... really I do... but I am over that phase so I can openly admit that it SUCKED ASS (maybe balls too).
So, as you may know, I participate actively in an online message board of women all over the US, Canada (and some in Europe) who had babies in June (and May and July because baby having is an unpredictable business) 2007. Feel free to make fun of me, because again... I don't care! tee hee! so liberating!
So, recently there was a topic in the 'Is it Hot in Here?' section of the board asking if we were wives or mother's first. I answered that I was a mother first, but I was willing to acknowledge that didn't do much for my marriage. I thought for certain if I could be a wife first, that my husband would then see himself a partner in parenting and it would be easier to be a mother 2nd because I wasn't doing it alone. I had no intention to pursuing this goal.
a funny thing happened on the way to the farm: Rod got sick and I couldn't crumble. I had to keep it together, if only for Angus. In all honesty, he saved my life. If he didn't exist I would have offed myself about 6 weeks into our most recent difficulties. but... I don't want my kid to have to explain to people that his "momma committed suicide" so that isn't really an option anymore (yes, I said anymore... calm down, you have thought about it too. you all have.)
So, I stayed alive to be a mother, and I became a better wife because what else could I do? The man I loved was suffering... Then one of my biggest supporters jumped (on a) ship and went to Alaska (with my blessing). Again, these ingredients are all I need for "I'm going to lose it and it is going to be impossible to put back together pie" but...
I didn't. I didn't lose it. It was a miracle!
Instead, I was a wife, and a mother, and I enjoyed my time at work (as a break from my real life) and suddenly... I woke up yesterday and realized that I wasn't a mother first anymore. I wasn't a wife first either. I was myself.
and it is soooo much better! Being myself first and having a life that is about me is so cool! I feel happy and fulfilled and I can enjoy my family and I feel no pressure to do everything and it's just great!
Well, not really... it is still a bit overwhelming. It doesn't feel like having a great job, husband, son, extended family AND friends should be trying to have it "all" but sometimes it feels like it. I can tackle the first 3 on that list easily, usually 4, but the 5th tends to fall off easily... Sorry buddies. I'm still working on it.
"bang Bang shoot Shoot"
I've had that song stuck in my head for days! I didn't think it was significant until I looked up the lyrics:
She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do- oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust
I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Ooooooooohhh, oh yeah!)
And when I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
-Yes it is, it's a warm gun!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is...
GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Yeeeaahhh!
Now... I still don't think it is significant. and if you do, you are trying too hard (haha, foolin' you!). Kind of like people that like "No Country For Old Men." Seriously... that movie sucked, but I know you feel pressure to act like you understood it and it was cool so others think you're smart. I understand... really I do... but I am over that phase so I can openly admit that it SUCKED ASS (maybe balls too).
So, as you may know, I participate actively in an online message board of women all over the US, Canada (and some in Europe) who had babies in June (and May and July because baby having is an unpredictable business) 2007. Feel free to make fun of me, because again... I don't care! tee hee! so liberating!
So, recently there was a topic in the 'Is it Hot in Here?' section of the board asking if we were wives or mother's first. I answered that I was a mother first, but I was willing to acknowledge that didn't do much for my marriage. I thought for certain if I could be a wife first, that my husband would then see himself a partner in parenting and it would be easier to be a mother 2nd because I wasn't doing it alone. I had no intention to pursuing this goal.
a funny thing happened on the way to the farm: Rod got sick and I couldn't crumble. I had to keep it together, if only for Angus. In all honesty, he saved my life. If he didn't exist I would have offed myself about 6 weeks into our most recent difficulties. but... I don't want my kid to have to explain to people that his "momma committed suicide" so that isn't really an option anymore (yes, I said anymore... calm down, you have thought about it too. you all have.)
So, I stayed alive to be a mother, and I became a better wife because what else could I do? The man I loved was suffering... Then one of my biggest supporters jumped (on a) ship and went to Alaska (with my blessing). Again, these ingredients are all I need for "I'm going to lose it and it is going to be impossible to put back together pie" but...
I didn't. I didn't lose it. It was a miracle!
Instead, I was a wife, and a mother, and I enjoyed my time at work (as a break from my real life) and suddenly... I woke up yesterday and realized that I wasn't a mother first anymore. I wasn't a wife first either. I was myself.
and it is soooo much better! Being myself first and having a life that is about me is so cool! I feel happy and fulfilled and I can enjoy my family and I feel no pressure to do everything and it's just great!
Well, not really... it is still a bit overwhelming. It doesn't feel like having a great job, husband, son, extended family AND friends should be trying to have it "all" but sometimes it feels like it. I can tackle the first 3 on that list easily, usually 4, but the 5th tends to fall off easily... Sorry buddies. I'm still working on it.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I'm a Vegan: Day 1
On Tuesday night I started my "sleep is for the weak" campaign and stayed up way too late watching pirated episodes of the Morgan Spurlock show 30 Days (on fX, you should watch it). After the animal rights & gay adotion rights episodes I decided I was going to become a vegan (because it was easier than becoming a gay adoptee).
I ate donuts for breakfast... probably not Vegan, but at least vegetarian. THEN, for lunch around 3:30 p.m. (is that lunch?) I ate a frosty from Wendy's, and a chicken snack wrap. --oops!
Then for dinner at 9:00 p.m. I ate leftover mashed potatoes and hot links from Lucille's BBQ. --oops again!
I am a lousy vegan. perhaps this is why i keep shitting myself.
I ate donuts for breakfast... probably not Vegan, but at least vegetarian. THEN, for lunch around 3:30 p.m. (is that lunch?) I ate a frosty from Wendy's, and a chicken snack wrap. --oops!
Then for dinner at 9:00 p.m. I ate leftover mashed potatoes and hot links from Lucille's BBQ. --oops again!
I am a lousy vegan. perhaps this is why i keep shitting myself.
Pornography is lame
I've heard it said that the internet is only good for two things: 1. Porn and 2. complaining. I suppose that Amazon.com would beg to differ, but I have been doing my fair share to make sure #2 stays in its rank.
That's why I haven't posted a lot here lately (besides being busy)... I just haven't had that much to complain about. That was of course until yesterday when I had an accident of catastrophic proportions (I'm talking about the kind of "accident" that a child might have in his/her pants... yeah, that kind). Not pleasant, let me tell you. Not only is it gross and inconvenient, but it really gives a girl's ego an ass kicking. Geez. What's wrong with me?
That's why I haven't posted a lot here lately (besides being busy)... I just haven't had that much to complain about. That was of course until yesterday when I had an accident of catastrophic proportions (I'm talking about the kind of "accident" that a child might have in his/her pants... yeah, that kind). Not pleasant, let me tell you. Not only is it gross and inconvenient, but it really gives a girl's ego an ass kicking. Geez. What's wrong with me?
Monday, July 7, 2008
Is it possible?
WARNING: If you love Rod... or are Rod... the following post may upset you. I love Rod and it upsets me very much. You may want to close the browser window and go about your business now. If you choose to continue reading: consider yourself warned.
Rod is always right. It is no fun being married to someone who is always right. Well... actually... it is no fun in the beginning... because this altruistic, always right person lets himself be bowled over by your insistence once or twice and you end up with a house you can't really afford, a vw eurovan in undriveable condition, and a baby you weren't emotionally ready for (whom you love with your entire heart and soul and would not give back for the world); and none of that is fun. Luckily for you, this person who is always right... continues to be right during the process of righting the wrongs. So... down the line you realize that being married to someone who is always right is quite convenient (he knows when to sell a house, how to return a car, and is a damn great father); and then you have a choice to make. You can step back and relax as the person who is always right makes the major decisions with your loving support -or- you can continue to push your agenda, fuck up, and let the person who is always right fix it for you. I've done a little bit of both and it has become fun.
It HAD become fun. It isn't fun anymore because now the person who is always right believes he is dying. And you... who are sometimes right... know that the fastest route towards death is to give into it. and you wonder... Is it possible?
Is he really always right? Will he be right forever?
Is it possible that he is "lazy" because he somehow knew his time here on earth was going to be short to waste on things we would all rather not do?
Is it possible that he doesn't care for books because he knew he didn't have time to waste seeing the world through words? he had to see it up close and personal?
It is possible that he finds it hard to get and stay motivated, to really commit to a long term project, to plan for the future... because his future doesn't stretch into eternity?
Is it possible that he didn't jump from girl to girl and saved all his loving energy for one because he wanted to make it one good one?
Is it possible that he was so unsure about having children (despite that he clearly loves them and being around them) because he somehow knew he couldn't be there for the whole journey?
Is it possible that his "tragic flaws" are an integral part of his story?
Is it possible that I am going to lose him?
Is it possible that my child will grow up without his father and I will (even if it is just the tiniest bit) be responsible for showing the deepest pain I have ever known just by taking the risk and bringing him into this world?
Is it possible that he won't always be here, to be right, and show me the way?
Is it possible that this is all going to be over?
I miss him so much already. He is withering away. Down 20 lbs in 6 weeks... In so much pain he groans with each step. There is anger behind his eyes... in the same place the sparkle used to be.
I miss him so much.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Wind Beneath His Wings
Maybe you've noticed, and I don't need to point it out so blatantly but... My boobs have become Angus' co-star. In many photos, like those below, they are fighting for a starring role! What the hell? I was a member of the itty bitty titty club for so long I don't know what to do with myself. Who knew having a child would make life so complicated.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
update... no, downdate?
no, forget, I got nothing clever to say.
Rod's MRI is on Thursday, which is cool, I suppose. It gives some idea of how the pace of this journey will go. Last week I was clueless. Would it take a day? Would it take a year?
I am coping okay. As okay as can be expected. I have had one terrible day where I felt like I was going to vomit all day, I was mean to most everyone I encountered, and I acted like an 11 year old when challenged in the slightest. At least it was only one day.
Otherwise, most of each day is fine. Rod is acting like a dying man; which makes him very sweet, kind, and spontaneous. It would be nice if not for the motivation. Oh Vell.
I gotta go write on my happy blog... turns out I have nothing really dark too say. Oh wait, how about this?
I have no more dark thoughts because I have started building a wall. Brick by brick I am stacking them up. The wall is between me and my feelings. The wall is nearly done and it is going to be a VERY very STRONG wall. Good luck trying to knock it down, bitches.
Rod's MRI is on Thursday, which is cool, I suppose. It gives some idea of how the pace of this journey will go. Last week I was clueless. Would it take a day? Would it take a year?
I am coping okay. As okay as can be expected. I have had one terrible day where I felt like I was going to vomit all day, I was mean to most everyone I encountered, and I acted like an 11 year old when challenged in the slightest. At least it was only one day.
Otherwise, most of each day is fine. Rod is acting like a dying man; which makes him very sweet, kind, and spontaneous. It would be nice if not for the motivation. Oh Vell.
I gotta go write on my happy blog... turns out I have nothing really dark too say. Oh wait, how about this?
I have no more dark thoughts because I have started building a wall. Brick by brick I am stacking them up. The wall is between me and my feelings. The wall is nearly done and it is going to be a VERY very STRONG wall. Good luck trying to knock it down, bitches.
Friday, June 27, 2008
oops!
my mother in law found this blog (hi Veronica!)... my own mother hasn't even found it yet. damn. now she is going to think i am crazy!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
annoying experience of the week
we had a toy that was recalled, a little tykes cell phone that came in a set with a keychain. Angus loved it; so much so that he drooled into the phone so much that it stopped making noise.
So, I was thrilled when the phone was recalled because we could get a new one. So, I called the 800 number to request a replacement. I was told that they would mail me a postage paid envelope to return the products in and I had to send BOTH the phone and keychain back. If I only sent the phone they could not replace the product. The woman who helped me could not have emphasized that point enough.
The envelope came and I put BOTH the phone and keychain inside and sent it off to Kidco for a replacement. Earlier this week a small padded envelope arrived. Inside was a new toy cell phone and our old keychain with a post it note on it that read: "keychain is NOT part of the recall. phone only."
Um... yeah. thanks.
So, I was thrilled when the phone was recalled because we could get a new one. So, I called the 800 number to request a replacement. I was told that they would mail me a postage paid envelope to return the products in and I had to send BOTH the phone and keychain back. If I only sent the phone they could not replace the product. The woman who helped me could not have emphasized that point enough.
The envelope came and I put BOTH the phone and keychain inside and sent it off to Kidco for a replacement. Earlier this week a small padded envelope arrived. Inside was a new toy cell phone and our old keychain with a post it note on it that read: "keychain is NOT part of the recall. phone only."
Um... yeah. thanks.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Bring your dustpan over to my place
This blog is getting darker & dirtier...
I am so broken. So much so that there aren't even going to be pieces to pick up. Nope. I have been broken, crushed, and ground into a fine dust by life. The only hope is that with a little water I can be mixed into a clay and then molded back into something that resembles a person again.
I spent so much of my adult life convincing myself that just because someone very close to me had died, it didn't mean that everyone close to me would die. I forgot to deal with the inevitable fact that someone close to me would die sometime in the future. I'm fucked now... this was not planned for.
It's all rushing back. The irrational thoughts. The terrifying daydreams.
Sigh. Please someone come sweep me up and put me to use in your compost heap.
I am so broken. So much so that there aren't even going to be pieces to pick up. Nope. I have been broken, crushed, and ground into a fine dust by life. The only hope is that with a little water I can be mixed into a clay and then molded back into something that resembles a person again.
I spent so much of my adult life convincing myself that just because someone very close to me had died, it didn't mean that everyone close to me would die. I forgot to deal with the inevitable fact that someone close to me would die sometime in the future. I'm fucked now... this was not planned for.
It's all rushing back. The irrational thoughts. The terrifying daydreams.
Sigh. Please someone come sweep me up and put me to use in your compost heap.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Fever of Unknown Origin (FUO)
Rod's unofficial official diagnosis is: Fever of Unknown Origin
Basically, this is medicine's way of saying "we don't know why you don't feel good." 1/3 of FUOs resolve on their own without recurrence, 1/3 are caused by a difficult to find/identify infection, and 1/3 are malignancy (cancer). We are currently having more tests (blood & ctscan to rule out a bone infection in his spine) to rule out the second option. If those don't indicate anything and he isn't better yet... we will have to start the tests to rule out the third option.
Basically, this is medicine's way of saying "we don't know why you don't feel good." 1/3 of FUOs resolve on their own without recurrence, 1/3 are caused by a difficult to find/identify infection, and 1/3 are malignancy (cancer). We are currently having more tests (blood & ctscan to rule out a bone infection in his spine) to rule out the second option. If those don't indicate anything and he isn't better yet... we will have to start the tests to rule out the third option.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Positive Self Bullshit
It's nice to be able to curse on this blog... not that there is a rule against it on the other, but it doesn't feel right there... and here, well... it does.
That's about the only nice thing I have left to say today. Today sucked. Nothing happened per se, but a lot didn't. There was no party to throw, father's day breakfast to make, or wedding to attend. My baby went off to school with his Nana and I left my husband at home as I headed off to work. As soon as the car door closed behind me I knew I was doomed. Suddenly, for the first time in days, I had time to think. Oh dear.
When you grow up in therapy and end up in weight watchers (not sure if the two are related or not) you end up with some kick ass coping skills. ...and I do... have great coping skills. I can deep breathe until all tension has been released from my body. I can choose therapeutic activities like bubble baths & trashy magazines. and... I can positive self talk with the best of them. I can shout over the voices in my head (the ones that are saying "this is it! you knew this would happen someday... he's going to die now! it was always going to happen!). I can drown them out with "you shut up! that's ridiculous... he's fine. he's going to start feeling better any day now, he'll be back to his old self, golfing too much, and endlessly groping you."
BUT... when I have time to think. Like today... I'm fucked. See, the problem (again) is that I am too damn smart. Am I really supposed to believe that he is going to get better soon when all I see is him sinking further into this? When he can barely walk to the bathroom on his own? Really?
He's fine=bullshit
He'll get better soon=bullshit
Everything is going to be okay=big stinky, steamy pile of bullshit
the bottom line is... bad things happen. all THE TIME! I've even had them happen to me... so I know from experience that bad things happen. They do... it's true.
and this is a bad thing, it's happening right here, right now... and there is NOTHING i can do to stop it. No amount of positive self talk is going to help.
Friday, June 13, 2008
closing in
the walls, that is.
i'm starting to break down a bit. i suppose anyone would, but this isn't exactly good timing. there are 30 people coming to the house tomorrow to celebrate the bangus' birthday and little (of the much there is to do) has been done. All I want is to go to sleep.
i'm starting to break down a bit. i suppose anyone would, but this isn't exactly good timing. there are 30 people coming to the house tomorrow to celebrate the bangus' birthday and little (of the much there is to do) has been done. All I want is to go to sleep.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Great Smile!
I've entered Angus in another beautiful baby contest... i've noticed that there are many submissions of stone faced babies with the accompanying description: "always has a smile on his/her face."
umm... no, apparently not ALWAYS!
umm... no, apparently not ALWAYS!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Delusions of Grandeur...
I know it isn't great to walk around thinking you are smarter than everyone else... I know, really I do. But... what if you are?!
Rod has been cranking out fevers 101.7 and above for going on 9 days now. On day 5 I forced him to go to the doctor. When we arrived the nurse triaged him and hearing about his back pain and fevers asked him for a urine sample. She suspected a kidney infection; smart girl!
The doc came in and asked all sorts of questions, to most of which the answer was no (sinus pain, sore throat, cough, runny nose, etc.). We came to the conclusion that the major symptoms were headache, back pain, & fever. The doc listened to his lungs which were clear and ordered a chest xray...
at this point, I was bursting at the seams! I asked if he had gotten the results of the urinalysis back yet... he was clueless? What urinalysis?! He looked in the computer, saw that none had been ordered, and decided not to order the simple, inexpensive test because Rod didn't have any "urinary symptoms." We mentioned dark urine a week or two ago... he ignored it and ordered the chest x ray which he suspected would "turn up nothing."
He was right! The chest xray was clear... Rod was diagnosed with an elusive virus and told to come back if his fever persisted 2-3 more weeks! WHAT THE FUCK?! Is he kidding?! Hasn't he seen House? He needs to get his diagnostics team around a white board and work this shit out. I cannot care for a one year old and a 33 year old and maintain my own sanity at the same time... NOT. COOL.
So, the fever persists, the back pain increases, a light tap to the kidney sends shooting pains throughout Rod's body. He obviously has a kidney infection. Master diagnostician that I am... I am sure of it. Too bad I don't have prescribing rights. Turns out just being smarter than everyone else doesn't count for much.
Rod has been cranking out fevers 101.7 and above for going on 9 days now. On day 5 I forced him to go to the doctor. When we arrived the nurse triaged him and hearing about his back pain and fevers asked him for a urine sample. She suspected a kidney infection; smart girl!
The doc came in and asked all sorts of questions, to most of which the answer was no (sinus pain, sore throat, cough, runny nose, etc.). We came to the conclusion that the major symptoms were headache, back pain, & fever. The doc listened to his lungs which were clear and ordered a chest xray...
at this point, I was bursting at the seams! I asked if he had gotten the results of the urinalysis back yet... he was clueless? What urinalysis?! He looked in the computer, saw that none had been ordered, and decided not to order the simple, inexpensive test because Rod didn't have any "urinary symptoms." We mentioned dark urine a week or two ago... he ignored it and ordered the chest x ray which he suspected would "turn up nothing."
He was right! The chest xray was clear... Rod was diagnosed with an elusive virus and told to come back if his fever persisted 2-3 more weeks! WHAT THE FUCK?! Is he kidding?! Hasn't he seen House? He needs to get his diagnostics team around a white board and work this shit out. I cannot care for a one year old and a 33 year old and maintain my own sanity at the same time... NOT. COOL.
So, the fever persists, the back pain increases, a light tap to the kidney sends shooting pains throughout Rod's body. He obviously has a kidney infection. Master diagnostician that I am... I am sure of it. Too bad I don't have prescribing rights. Turns out just being smarter than everyone else doesn't count for much.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tea is Ready
I need to vent. Hopefully it will be a cathartic experience and then I can go enjoy Survivor and the Office.
I work in an office, and am lucky enough to work from home a couple days a week. It was 2, but it is becoming 2, but that's okay, it is still a perk. For whatever reason, people have it in their heads that because I sometimes work from home I am hard to reach. Nevermind I have a cell phone on me at all times and am always on my email.
So, I get this "I've been trying to reach you" b.s. all the time. In my head I think "really? because I don't see any missed calls! I didn't get any voicemails! I don't have any emails from you!" So, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just KNOW that people are trying to reach me and call them? I may be a bit clairvoyant, but I like to save my pyschic powers for things like my family and loved ones, you know?
So, today I was in the office at my desk and on my desk phone with a customer. My cell phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize. Whoever called the cell phone did not leave a message. I don't know about you, but I don't call back people who don't leave messages if I don't know who they are. It is always this uncomfortable situation:
"Hello?"
"Hi, did you call me?"
"Who is this?"
"Kate, did you call me?"
"Who's Kate"
"Dude, you called me!"
I'd rather avoid it.
So at some time around noon today I decided that I had enough. I was in miserable sinus pain, I had done everything I had to do, and I was trying to work on things that could be done (but weren't urgent) but I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I talked to my boss and went home. I pumped, popped a benadryl, took some cough syrup and went to bed.
When I woke up I have a couple of voicemails from people. The first was our IT person saying our CEO was having trouble getting some information about training from our website. The second was from our VP saying he needed to speak to me urgently.
I called the VP back and he said the website wasn't working. What part? I asked. The training page. What kind of information are you looking for? Training. Grrr and DUH! I told him there wasn't much I could do, and that I was home sick. He didn't flinch and was just silent until I said I would call someone else to see if they could help fix it.
Turns out that call this morning was from the CEO in Sacramento... but he didn't leave a message, so how the hell was I supposed to know that he was having trouble getting information from the website?
If he had just left a message I could have a) fixed it before going home, b) gotten him the information he needed some other way, or c)... there is no c), but there doesn't need to be.
This culture we have at my work where you have to be available the moment someone wants you is soooo unproductive. If people could just leave messages then I could be working on things sooner and problems would get fixed faster. If I didn't have to wait to talk to people and didn't get cryptic answers about what people want I could get them what they needed. Sometimes their way isn't the only way, and for some reason they are not aware of that.
They rely on me because I am an expert, but they treat me like I am a moron.
Grrrr.
I work in an office, and am lucky enough to work from home a couple days a week. It was 2, but it is becoming 2, but that's okay, it is still a perk. For whatever reason, people have it in their heads that because I sometimes work from home I am hard to reach. Nevermind I have a cell phone on me at all times and am always on my email.
So, I get this "I've been trying to reach you" b.s. all the time. In my head I think "really? because I don't see any missed calls! I didn't get any voicemails! I don't have any emails from you!" So, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just KNOW that people are trying to reach me and call them? I may be a bit clairvoyant, but I like to save my pyschic powers for things like my family and loved ones, you know?
So, today I was in the office at my desk and on my desk phone with a customer. My cell phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize. Whoever called the cell phone did not leave a message. I don't know about you, but I don't call back people who don't leave messages if I don't know who they are. It is always this uncomfortable situation:
"Hello?"
"Hi, did you call me?"
"Who is this?"
"Kate, did you call me?"
"Who's Kate"
"Dude, you called me!"
I'd rather avoid it.
So at some time around noon today I decided that I had enough. I was in miserable sinus pain, I had done everything I had to do, and I was trying to work on things that could be done (but weren't urgent) but I couldn't concentrate on anything. So I talked to my boss and went home. I pumped, popped a benadryl, took some cough syrup and went to bed.
When I woke up I have a couple of voicemails from people. The first was our IT person saying our CEO was having trouble getting some information about training from our website. The second was from our VP saying he needed to speak to me urgently.
I called the VP back and he said the website wasn't working. What part? I asked. The training page. What kind of information are you looking for? Training. Grrr and DUH! I told him there wasn't much I could do, and that I was home sick. He didn't flinch and was just silent until I said I would call someone else to see if they could help fix it.
Turns out that call this morning was from the CEO in Sacramento... but he didn't leave a message, so how the hell was I supposed to know that he was having trouble getting information from the website?
If he had just left a message I could have a) fixed it before going home, b) gotten him the information he needed some other way, or c)... there is no c), but there doesn't need to be.
This culture we have at my work where you have to be available the moment someone wants you is soooo unproductive. If people could just leave messages then I could be working on things sooner and problems would get fixed faster. If I didn't have to wait to talk to people and didn't get cryptic answers about what people want I could get them what they needed. Sometimes their way isn't the only way, and for some reason they are not aware of that.
They rely on me because I am an expert, but they treat me like I am a moron.
Grrrr.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Dreamy
Last night I had a dream that I was at a carnival, on an air force base, and all the carnies were wolves dressed like Little Red Riding Hood's Grandma, but they were armed with M-80s (or what I imagine M-80s are... I know nothing about guns). Sounds pretty dreamlike so far, right? Read on.
So, I run into an ex boyfriend and suddenly we are under attack the by Grandma/Wolf/Carnies (bet you didn't see that coming). He and I find refuge in a stoner guy's basement apartment and there is some considerable sexual tension building. We are about to strip down (for some reason my pants are on backwards) and go at it when I stop and say:
"Wait! I'm Married."
"You are?"
"Yes. Very happily. We can't do this."
"No, we can't"
and then I woke up. Ever the faithful wife, even in my dreams. :)
So, I run into an ex boyfriend and suddenly we are under attack the by Grandma/Wolf/Carnies (bet you didn't see that coming). He and I find refuge in a stoner guy's basement apartment and there is some considerable sexual tension building. We are about to strip down (for some reason my pants are on backwards) and go at it when I stop and say:
"Wait! I'm Married."
"You are?"
"Yes. Very happily. We can't do this."
"No, we can't"
and then I woke up. Ever the faithful wife, even in my dreams. :)
Monday, March 17, 2008
i've been moved
at some point last year i lost my love for books & movies. I just wasn't moved anymore... I found most stories to be boring and didn't get emotionally connected to any characters.
This Saturday, my soul was reawakened. embarrasingly enough, it happened when I watched the movie 27 dresses. sigh.
please invite me to see a good movie, i need to redeem myself.
This Saturday, my soul was reawakened. embarrasingly enough, it happened when I watched the movie 27 dresses. sigh.
please invite me to see a good movie, i need to redeem myself.
a message to the world
you know those ribbon shaped stickers... for breast cancer, or supporting our troops, or autism awareness, or the cause of the day?
no need to put it on your car sideways. you can go ahead and put it upright and I will still be able to read the cause.
thanks.
no need to put it on your car sideways. you can go ahead and put it upright and I will still be able to read the cause.
thanks.
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