Nervous Breakdown: Days One & Two

Always a supporter of education and exposure I thought I would let you all into my head for a little ride through what I like to call a breakdown. Let's start at the beginning. :)

Therapy went well last week. It was my first time seeing this woman and she told me right off the bat that she was very interactive, liked to give a lot of education and backup the things she was telling me, and I wouldn't ever hear her say "How do you feel about that, Kate?" Perfect! Really truly, I get enough of that at work...

She also helped me to see that my feelings of anger were perfectly natural responses to the whole load of crap that had been piled on top of me this summer. She complimented me for my excellent coping skills, gave me lots of positive feedback and reassurance, and built me up to take on a new week all by myself.

Sunday morning I woke up in a pissy mood. No apparent reason... just pissy. By midday my pissiness was a desperate need to escape. When looking at my baby I didn't see the love of my life, I saw demands and responsibility. Same with my husband, home, dog, work, etc. All were responsibility, too much... and I wanted nothing to do with any of them.

I left for a little while and went for a drive. After some crying and deep breathing I felt better and started to drive back home. The closer I got to home the faster my heart raced and the heavier my chest felt. The more my vision bounced and spinned trying to focus. I shoved it way deep inside and finished the day on the verge of exploding. You know that feeling when anger or worry is physical? Like your skin is crawling? Getting ready at any moment to turn inside out or jump off your body or burst into flames?

Rod & I made chocolate chip cookies, watched a documentary about what earth would be like after there were no people (blissful, I think) and fell asleep on the couch. The night was uneventful. Angus woke up coughing at 1 am and came to bed with us. He slept from then until 5 when he started thrashing and tooting. I ran out of patience at 6 am and we got up.

It occurred to me from the moment I got out of bed that I was still a bit messed up... I didn't know what was wrong, but I figured I would work from home that morning to try and get a grip. I ate most of the remaining cookies while waiting for my mom to pick up angus...

Hours later I was sitting in front of the TV, laptop in my lap, trying to work and my head was spinning. Seriously, it feels like inside my head my brain just spins and spins and spins and spins, making it nearly impossible to see anything or do anything. I composed 1/2 a dozed emails and deleted all of what I wrote. Rod woke up and teased me about "leaving him some cookies" and I lost it.

In a pathetic, quiet voice I said "baby, please stop." Then in a louder voice full of rage and tears I screamed "just leave me alone!" That succeeded in scaring him away... Before he left for work I apologized and explained that I was really losing it. I don't know if he didn't buy it, or was still mad about being yelled at, but he didn't react in any way that showed he understood the intensity of my feelings.

I called the therapist and made an appt for Friday, but didn't tell her how I was feeling. I called the psychiatrists office and was forced to tell a receptionist how I was feeling to get access to a doctor. I got a Rx refilled for a fast acting anti anxiety drug. I knew I could sort everything out with a little leveling off.

For the rest of the morning I tried to work, cried, thought about showering, cried, waited to be called back about the meds, cried, talked to a friend, cried, tried to eat, cried, and cried. I was so tired, from life. I was so overwhelmed and I didn't have the energy to do it anymore... to live. I wouldn't kill myself, but I wouldn't mind just ceasing to exist.

In my head I was angry at Rod for making me do everything (even though he had spent the entire weekend cleaning the house, cooking, and playing with Angus). In my head I was an awful mother. In my head I had no friends, and no one understood me. In my head I was terrible at my job and never got anything done. Inside didn't match outside, but the inside was soooo real... the inside was truth.

2 ativan later I am able to hold it together to pick up angus, eat dinner, and get him to bed... well... almost... Rod took over after 1/2 hour of rocking resulted in a wide awake baby staring up at me. My skin is still crawling... my head is still spinning. ...I wonder how much longer this will last...

watch for day 3 tomorrow!