11:35 p.m. PST Rod and Angus sleep soundly in their beds. My champagne buzz slowly wears off leaving only the sad angry (not) drunk girl behind. Scratch that, and more clarification later.
Watched MILK tonight, it was Rod's 3rd time. He watched it once on his own, once again when I lied down to watch it the first time and fell asleep 15 minutes in, and then again tonight... high. Adam Corolla says it is like watching a whole new movie. I wouldn't know. Why all the hate? Seriously... and I know those on the other side of the issue would prefer not to call it hate... I know. I wouldn't like that either, if I was discriminating against someone (and I'm sure I am) I would hate for it to be labeled "Hate." But let's all own up here... Hate is what it is.
Don't the people who oppose gay rights see that they are taking an outdated argument for discrimination and using it again on a new population group? Remember racial discrimination (remember?! snort!)? Don't you see that "God" was the excuse for that too? The majority may rule but they most certainly are not right... not by any means.
If I weren't so numb I would be sad or angry or something else. Just confused, tired, and waiting for an answer. What did I used to do before? Back when I was more of myself... when was that anyway and when/where did I lose it? Was it motherhood? marriage? the combination? Would leaving one of those behind reclaim what was lost? Can I keep both and be found? I wouldn't mind finding something new... but SOMETHING... PLEASE!
I get it. It's hard. It's not supposed to be easy. ...but seriously. It's been hard long enough and I am in need of a break. But like I've been trying to tell Rod, in all seriousness... a break is not enough. I don't want grand gestures and fleeting moments of thoughtfulness. Don't do everything half the time, do half all the time. That's what I want and that's what I need.
So, you hear that universe? Cut me some slack or send me a sign. What's that? You say this is a sign? You've been sending them? Raining down on me for months now? Well... a decoder ring then because I'm not getting it.
Somebody PLEASE tell me what to do, and make it good... a resolution to last more than a day or two.
Potential to be Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
WHO Knows Best...
Intentional double entendre there. I;m asking who knows best... with an emphasis on the WHO?! Also, I'd be more likely to trust the World Health Organization over a Kaiser Permanente Pediatrician. Maybe that's my issue. Maybe having to explain a double entendre makes it a poor one (two).
Today Angus had his 18 month WBV (Well Baby Visit--WARNING: There may be several abbreviations in this blog and you're going to be on your own from here on out. Use google and context clues to figure out what I'm saying if you're in a bind.)
Well... according to my email from the appointment center at Kaiser he had an appointment, but according to the faceless check in machine (which I love by the way, I would never knock self service... but when it doesn't work and I have to wait in line anyway, then I get annoyed) and the receptionist he didn't have an appointment. SIGH! So, they asked if I would be willing to see another doctor. I said that was fine with a little trepidation in my heart but it was quickly squashed by my desire to not be perceived as an obnoxious consumer, customer, client, etc...
So, we got called in by Dr. Joe's (Harry Joe. Two first names... bad sign) nurse, and I quickly realized how much different his would be from the experience we normally have with Dr. Wong and her staff. Dr. Joe's nurse suggested that I step away from the scale after putting Angus on to get a more accurate reading (because he would want to touch me and that would change the weight)... of course he was screaming... and you know what's worse?! I listened to her! I stood just behind the nurse while she clumsily fiddled with the scale trying to get a weight (flicking it innacurately with her pen made it difficult to get the result she was looking for) while my baby screamed and reached for me. We had NEVER had a problem with his weight because of him wanting to lean on me before... he'd always been fine with closeness for the few seconds of weighing. GRRRR...
Then I laid him on the table to get his height (length?) She attempted to stretch him out, still kicking and screaming, marked his foot, then his head and measured between the marks after I picked him up. They claim this is an accurate method, but they never mark the true top of his head and he is always flailing too much to ensure much success.
So anyway, she determined that he weighed 26 lbs (even though it was more like 26 lbs and 2 oz) and was 32 inches long (yeah right... he was 32 inches long two months ago when he couldn't reach the doorknob on flat feet. I'm pretty sure the doorknobs didn't get lower!). So when the doctor came in he started with the most personal part of his service: Calling me "Ms MacKenney" and calling him "Angus." He kept the name game up throughout the appointment but that is where the personalization stopped.
According to the computer Angus' height was in the 43rd percentile and his weight in the 53rd. Not good... a little "overweight" at least in the sense that you want weight and height to be the same, or if not, have the height be the larger number. I ignored the assessment... and Dr. Joe quickly moved on (note I used him name. aren't i great?)
He looked at his weight over time and determined that he hadn't gained enough recently. Ummm... wasn't he overweight? He asked me if he was drinking whole milk and I responded that he was breastfed. He asked me how often and I reported twice a day. He then proceeded to "inform" me that breastfeeding at this age has no nutritional benefits or value and was only for bonding, and I may want to consider nursing as most babies do not develop a strong taste for table food until they are done associating food with sucking and drinking.
He decided to remeasure his height at my request and we discovered that the nurse's haste and poor bedside manner (angus liked Dr. Joe for whatever reason and didn't mind getting measured by him) had resulted in a nearly 2 inch loss! He was really 33.75 inches tall and in the 88th percentile for height!
Oh REALLY?! I sat silently and listened to the misinformation... and that's what I left really upset about. I've done my research, and I know the truth, but what about the moms who haven't? What about the moms who rely solely on the misinformation of their pediatricians?
Anyway, he proceeded to ask me whether he was saying 3-4 words regularly and when I responded that he was speaking in 3 word sentences and saying 50-60 words regularly he was suddenly very impressed. He then did the physical examination and concluded that he was doing quite well, was in perfect health, and was quite advanced cognitively.
Hear that? Taller than average, average weight, says more than average. but being destroyed by breatfeeding... missing out on important nutrients essential to his growth. So much at risk in fact that he needed to be seen again before his 24 month WBV to recheck his weight to ensure he wasn't malnourished. SIGH again. It didn't matter that he ate whole milk yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, healthy oils, and a WIDE variety of foods from every food group. He clearly had some sort of malabsorption disorder and wasn't getting enough nutrients from his food because he wasn't drinking cow's milk! Seriously?! What if he was allergic to cow's milk?
Here's the thing:
Human milk has an average of 3 more calories per oz than cow's milk and at least 20% more fat. Hmmm...
Especially since since too much cow's milk in a child's diet can put him at risk for iron-deficiency anemia (because milk can interfere with the absorption of iron) and may decrease the child's desire for other foods... cow's milk is not really given for the calories, it's just a a convenient source of calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. - it's not required. There are many people in many parts of the world who do not drink milk and still manage to get all the calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. that they need. I've bolded the ones Angus eats regularly...
* Good non-dairy sources of protein include meats, fish, peas & beans (chick peas, lentils, baked beans, etc.), tofu and other soy products, boiled eggs, peanut and other nut butters
* Good non-dairy sources of fats include soy and safflower oils, flax seed and flax seed oil, walnuts, fish and fish oils, avocado.
* Calcium may be derived from many nondairy sources.
* Vitamin D can be supplied by sunlight exposure and food sources.
* Milk can also be substitued with cheese, whole-fat yogurt or ice cream. You can also put milk into various food products: pancakes, waffles, muffins, French toast, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, and baked goods.
Not to mention that there are about a million benefits besides bonding for nursing toddlers: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html
Finally... the thing is. I know breastfeeding isn't for everyone. I've even stopped wishing that it was. It worked for us, and it still works for us. When Angus wakes in the morning and nurses he gets a belly full of warm, nutrient rich, calorie and fat dense, loving momma milk and we see the benefits of endless. If you don't want to do it... don't. BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT CLAIMING FALSEHOODS (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-myths.html) THAT BELITTLE MY CHOICE IS JUST WRONG.
Now if I only had the balls to send this to Dr. Joe. :-P
Today Angus had his 18 month WBV (Well Baby Visit--WARNING: There may be several abbreviations in this blog and you're going to be on your own from here on out. Use google and context clues to figure out what I'm saying if you're in a bind.)
Well... according to my email from the appointment center at Kaiser he had an appointment, but according to the faceless check in machine (which I love by the way, I would never knock self service... but when it doesn't work and I have to wait in line anyway, then I get annoyed) and the receptionist he didn't have an appointment. SIGH! So, they asked if I would be willing to see another doctor. I said that was fine with a little trepidation in my heart but it was quickly squashed by my desire to not be perceived as an obnoxious consumer, customer, client, etc...
So, we got called in by Dr. Joe's (Harry Joe. Two first names... bad sign) nurse, and I quickly realized how much different his would be from the experience we normally have with Dr. Wong and her staff. Dr. Joe's nurse suggested that I step away from the scale after putting Angus on to get a more accurate reading (because he would want to touch me and that would change the weight)... of course he was screaming... and you know what's worse?! I listened to her! I stood just behind the nurse while she clumsily fiddled with the scale trying to get a weight (flicking it innacurately with her pen made it difficult to get the result she was looking for) while my baby screamed and reached for me. We had NEVER had a problem with his weight because of him wanting to lean on me before... he'd always been fine with closeness for the few seconds of weighing. GRRRR...
Then I laid him on the table to get his height (length?) She attempted to stretch him out, still kicking and screaming, marked his foot, then his head and measured between the marks after I picked him up. They claim this is an accurate method, but they never mark the true top of his head and he is always flailing too much to ensure much success.
So anyway, she determined that he weighed 26 lbs (even though it was more like 26 lbs and 2 oz) and was 32 inches long (yeah right... he was 32 inches long two months ago when he couldn't reach the doorknob on flat feet. I'm pretty sure the doorknobs didn't get lower!). So when the doctor came in he started with the most personal part of his service: Calling me "Ms MacKenney" and calling him "Angus." He kept the name game up throughout the appointment but that is where the personalization stopped.
According to the computer Angus' height was in the 43rd percentile and his weight in the 53rd. Not good... a little "overweight" at least in the sense that you want weight and height to be the same, or if not, have the height be the larger number. I ignored the assessment... and Dr. Joe quickly moved on (note I used him name. aren't i great?)
He looked at his weight over time and determined that he hadn't gained enough recently. Ummm... wasn't he overweight? He asked me if he was drinking whole milk and I responded that he was breastfed. He asked me how often and I reported twice a day. He then proceeded to "inform" me that breastfeeding at this age has no nutritional benefits or value and was only for bonding, and I may want to consider nursing as most babies do not develop a strong taste for table food until they are done associating food with sucking and drinking.
He decided to remeasure his height at my request and we discovered that the nurse's haste and poor bedside manner (angus liked Dr. Joe for whatever reason and didn't mind getting measured by him) had resulted in a nearly 2 inch loss! He was really 33.75 inches tall and in the 88th percentile for height!
Oh REALLY?! I sat silently and listened to the misinformation... and that's what I left really upset about. I've done my research, and I know the truth, but what about the moms who haven't? What about the moms who rely solely on the misinformation of their pediatricians?
Anyway, he proceeded to ask me whether he was saying 3-4 words regularly and when I responded that he was speaking in 3 word sentences and saying 50-60 words regularly he was suddenly very impressed. He then did the physical examination and concluded that he was doing quite well, was in perfect health, and was quite advanced cognitively.
Hear that? Taller than average, average weight, says more than average. but being destroyed by breatfeeding... missing out on important nutrients essential to his growth. So much at risk in fact that he needed to be seen again before his 24 month WBV to recheck his weight to ensure he wasn't malnourished. SIGH again. It didn't matter that he ate whole milk yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, healthy oils, and a WIDE variety of foods from every food group. He clearly had some sort of malabsorption disorder and wasn't getting enough nutrients from his food because he wasn't drinking cow's milk! Seriously?! What if he was allergic to cow's milk?
Here's the thing:
Human milk has an average of 3 more calories per oz than cow's milk and at least 20% more fat. Hmmm...
Especially since since too much cow's milk in a child's diet can put him at risk for iron-deficiency anemia (because milk can interfere with the absorption of iron) and may decrease the child's desire for other foods... cow's milk is not really given for the calories, it's just a a convenient source of calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. - it's not required. There are many people in many parts of the world who do not drink milk and still manage to get all the calcium, protein, fats, vitamin D, etc. that they need. I've bolded the ones Angus eats regularly...
* Good non-dairy sources of protein include meats, fish, peas & beans (chick peas, lentils, baked beans, etc.), tofu and other soy products, boiled eggs, peanut and other nut butters
* Good non-dairy sources of fats include soy and safflower oils, flax seed and flax seed oil, walnuts, fish and fish oils, avocado.
* Calcium may be derived from many nondairy sources.
* Vitamin D can be supplied by sunlight exposure and food sources.
* Milk can also be substitued with cheese, whole-fat yogurt or ice cream. You can also put milk into various food products: pancakes, waffles, muffins, French toast, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, and baked goods.
Not to mention that there are about a million benefits besides bonding for nursing toddlers: http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html
Finally... the thing is. I know breastfeeding isn't for everyone. I've even stopped wishing that it was. It worked for us, and it still works for us. When Angus wakes in the morning and nurses he gets a belly full of warm, nutrient rich, calorie and fat dense, loving momma milk and we see the benefits of endless. If you don't want to do it... don't. BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT CLAIMING FALSEHOODS (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-myths.html) THAT BELITTLE MY CHOICE IS JUST WRONG.
Now if I only had the balls to send this to Dr. Joe. :-P
Thursday, December 4, 2008
A little bit more...
this time I remembered what I realized in the rocking chair last night... probably because I didn't fall asleep this time... and had some delightful re-energizing cuddle time with my dear husband.
I used to think that if I disagreed with someone I respected it was because I was wrong. It didn't occur to me that we might just have a difference of opinion and that my opinion was still worth just as much.
hmm. fascinating. and VERY helpful for my heart.
I used to think that if I disagreed with someone I respected it was because I was wrong. It didn't occur to me that we might just have a difference of opinion and that my opinion was still worth just as much.
hmm. fascinating. and VERY helpful for my heart.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Teetering
Even my solid epiphany of last night/this morning is getting a little shaky... what the hell?
I'm going to try blogging about it and hoping to find clarity in the words. I'm looking for something firm, like a nice tofu steak.
So, I was in a meeting yesterday at work that started with someone I respect and admire ripping me (well, not me... but I took it personally and it was partially me) a new asshole. I cried. If you don't work where I work you may think this was a terrible meeting, but it really was great... one of the best I have had in a long time. I cried first because of how hurt and angry he was towards me and others despite the fact that I had been working my ass off to prevent the things he was hurt and angry about... and then then second time because I realized I hadn't really been working my ass off like I thought I had been. And it wasn't disappointment in myself that brought tears (although that feeling is lingering this afternoon) it was disappointment in allowing myself to be swallowed up by others.
This is not an uncommon theme in my life. I have a desire to be the best, the perfect, the one and only, the way and the light and so I give all of myself. To be the best wife I will be only a wife, to be the best mother I will be only a mother, to be the best teammater/coworker I will be all team/all the time... only those things don't really work. To be a good wife, mother, team player, I need to be all of those things at once and one more very important thing, I need to be myself.
and I haven't been. and that was the epiphany.
As I rocked Angus to sleep last night I planned about how to take action on said epiphany, and then I fell asleep in the chair and promptly forgot all my wisdom. Why do I not wear a pad & pen around my neck at all times?
I can only assume that my desire to please others left me in a place for a long part of my life where I didn't have too many strong stances of my own on any one issue. I waivered, was easily influenced (and still am in a lot of ways), but swayed and swerved, and teetered and tottered. I am still teetering, but not tottering. All my swaying and swerving represents a trend now... I am going in one direction, no more back and forth, not necessarily steady FORWARD progress but progress all the same. Becoming a mother has greatly helped this along. I have ideas now about things that I am not willing to give up to please you or him or her or that guy over there. No WAY and this resolve is bleeding over into other areas.
and there's the epiphany again/another version of it: being who I am as a mother is what makes me a good mother... I bet that being who I am while being a wife or a team player will make me a good wife/team player. Trying to blend into the relationship or blend into the team, trying to be only the partner or only the teammate instead of myself as a partner or myself as a teammate has taken away from my partnership, my team, and myself.
To avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater (never liked that saying...) I intend not to get too angry. For a day or two I might feel a little irritated, insulted that you dared to allow me to allow you to oppress me, but it will pass quickly. While likely a required part of the process, it's not really valuable to feel unkindly towards my partner or team.
So, I'm ready to move on with it now. I have some ideas, really good ones. I have me, and I am valuable, and I am going to start bringing me to the table and I am trusting that you will accept and appreciate that for all that is is.
Not to worry, I have no illusions that you will shower me with praise or always agree with my brilliant ideas, but I will not be giving up... not badgering, not demanding, but if there is something I want because it is a part of my core values I will not let it go to please you, I'll find a way to stay true to myself while still being your partner and teammate.
xoxo
I'm going to try blogging about it and hoping to find clarity in the words. I'm looking for something firm, like a nice tofu steak.
So, I was in a meeting yesterday at work that started with someone I respect and admire ripping me (well, not me... but I took it personally and it was partially me) a new asshole. I cried. If you don't work where I work you may think this was a terrible meeting, but it really was great... one of the best I have had in a long time. I cried first because of how hurt and angry he was towards me and others despite the fact that I had been working my ass off to prevent the things he was hurt and angry about... and then then second time because I realized I hadn't really been working my ass off like I thought I had been. And it wasn't disappointment in myself that brought tears (although that feeling is lingering this afternoon) it was disappointment in allowing myself to be swallowed up by others.
This is not an uncommon theme in my life. I have a desire to be the best, the perfect, the one and only, the way and the light and so I give all of myself. To be the best wife I will be only a wife, to be the best mother I will be only a mother, to be the best teammater/coworker I will be all team/all the time... only those things don't really work. To be a good wife, mother, team player, I need to be all of those things at once and one more very important thing, I need to be myself.
and I haven't been. and that was the epiphany.
As I rocked Angus to sleep last night I planned about how to take action on said epiphany, and then I fell asleep in the chair and promptly forgot all my wisdom. Why do I not wear a pad & pen around my neck at all times?
I can only assume that my desire to please others left me in a place for a long part of my life where I didn't have too many strong stances of my own on any one issue. I waivered, was easily influenced (and still am in a lot of ways), but swayed and swerved, and teetered and tottered. I am still teetering, but not tottering. All my swaying and swerving represents a trend now... I am going in one direction, no more back and forth, not necessarily steady FORWARD progress but progress all the same. Becoming a mother has greatly helped this along. I have ideas now about things that I am not willing to give up to please you or him or her or that guy over there. No WAY and this resolve is bleeding over into other areas.
and there's the epiphany again/another version of it: being who I am as a mother is what makes me a good mother... I bet that being who I am while being a wife or a team player will make me a good wife/team player. Trying to blend into the relationship or blend into the team, trying to be only the partner or only the teammate instead of myself as a partner or myself as a teammate has taken away from my partnership, my team, and myself.
To avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater (never liked that saying...) I intend not to get too angry. For a day or two I might feel a little irritated, insulted that you dared to allow me to allow you to oppress me, but it will pass quickly. While likely a required part of the process, it's not really valuable to feel unkindly towards my partner or team.
So, I'm ready to move on with it now. I have some ideas, really good ones. I have me, and I am valuable, and I am going to start bringing me to the table and I am trusting that you will accept and appreciate that for all that is is.
Not to worry, I have no illusions that you will shower me with praise or always agree with my brilliant ideas, but I will not be giving up... not badgering, not demanding, but if there is something I want because it is a part of my core values I will not let it go to please you, I'll find a way to stay true to myself while still being your partner and teammate.
xoxo
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