Teetering

Even my solid epiphany of last night/this morning is getting a little shaky... what the hell?

I'm going to try blogging about it and hoping to find clarity in the words. I'm looking for something firm, like a nice tofu steak.

So, I was in a meeting yesterday at work that started with someone I respect and admire ripping me (well, not me... but I took it personally and it was partially me) a new asshole. I cried. If you don't work where I work you may think this was a terrible meeting, but it really was great... one of the best I have had in a long time. I cried first because of how hurt and angry he was towards me and others despite the fact that I had been working my ass off to prevent the things he was hurt and angry about... and then then second time because I realized I hadn't really been working my ass off like I thought I had been. And it wasn't disappointment in myself that brought tears (although that feeling is lingering this afternoon) it was disappointment in allowing myself to be swallowed up by others.

This is not an uncommon theme in my life. I have a desire to be the best, the perfect, the one and only, the way and the light and so I give all of myself. To be the best wife I will be only a wife, to be the best mother I will be only a mother, to be the best teammater/coworker I will be all team/all the time... only those things don't really work. To be a good wife, mother, team player, I need to be all of those things at once and one more very important thing, I need to be myself.

and I haven't been. and that was the epiphany.

As I rocked Angus to sleep last night I planned about how to take action on said epiphany, and then I fell asleep in the chair and promptly forgot all my wisdom. Why do I not wear a pad & pen around my neck at all times?

I can only assume that my desire to please others left me in a place for a long part of my life where I didn't have too many strong stances of my own on any one issue. I waivered, was easily influenced (and still am in a lot of ways), but swayed and swerved, and teetered and tottered. I am still teetering, but not tottering. All my swaying and swerving represents a trend now... I am going in one direction, no more back and forth, not necessarily steady FORWARD progress but progress all the same. Becoming a mother has greatly helped this along. I have ideas now about things that I am not willing to give up to please you or him or her or that guy over there. No WAY and this resolve is bleeding over into other areas.

and there's the epiphany again/another version of it: being who I am as a mother is what makes me a good mother... I bet that being who I am while being a wife or a team player will make me a good wife/team player. Trying to blend into the relationship or blend into the team, trying to be only the partner or only the teammate instead of myself as a partner or myself as a teammate has taken away from my partnership, my team, and myself.

To avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater (never liked that saying...) I intend not to get too angry. For a day or two I might feel a little irritated, insulted that you dared to allow me to allow you to oppress me, but it will pass quickly. While likely a required part of the process, it's not really valuable to feel unkindly towards my partner or team.

So, I'm ready to move on with it now. I have some ideas, really good ones. I have me, and I am valuable, and I am going to start bringing me to the table and I am trusting that you will accept and appreciate that for all that is is.

Not to worry, I have no illusions that you will shower me with praise or always agree with my brilliant ideas, but I will not be giving up... not badgering, not demanding, but if there is something I want because it is a part of my core values I will not let it go to please you, I'll find a way to stay true to myself while still being your partner and teammate.

xoxo