update... no, downdate?

no, forget, I got nothing clever to say.

Rod's MRI is on Thursday, which is cool, I suppose. It gives some idea of how the pace of this journey will go. Last week I was clueless. Would it take a day? Would it take a year?

I am coping okay. As okay as can be expected. I have had one terrible day where I felt like I was going to vomit all day, I was mean to most everyone I encountered, and I acted like an 11 year old when challenged in the slightest. At least it was only one day.

Otherwise, most of each day is fine. Rod is acting like a dying man; which makes him very sweet, kind, and spontaneous. It would be nice if not for the motivation. Oh Vell.

I gotta go write on my happy blog... turns out I have nothing really dark too say. Oh wait, how about this?

I have no more dark thoughts because I have started building a wall. Brick by brick I am stacking them up. The wall is between me and my feelings. The wall is nearly done and it is going to be a VERY very STRONG wall. Good luck trying to knock it down, bitches.

oops!

my mother in law found this blog (hi Veronica!)... my own mother hasn't even found it yet. damn. now she is going to think i am crazy!

annoying experience of the week

we had a toy that was recalled, a little tykes cell phone that came in a set with a keychain. Angus loved it; so much so that he drooled into the phone so much that it stopped making noise.

So, I was thrilled when the phone was recalled because we could get a new one. So, I called the 800 number to request a replacement. I was told that they would mail me a postage paid envelope to return the products in and I had to send BOTH the phone and keychain back. If I only sent the phone they could not replace the product. The woman who helped me could not have emphasized that point enough.

The envelope came and I put BOTH the phone and keychain inside and sent it off to Kidco for a replacement. Earlier this week a small padded envelope arrived. Inside was a new toy cell phone and our old keychain with a post it note on it that read: "keychain is NOT part of the recall. phone only."

Um... yeah. thanks.

Bring your dustpan over to my place

This blog is getting darker & dirtier...

I am so broken. So much so that there aren't even going to be pieces to pick up. Nope. I have been broken, crushed, and ground into a fine dust by life. The only hope is that with a little water I can be mixed into a clay and then molded back into something that resembles a person again.

I spent so much of my adult life convincing myself that just because someone very close to me had died, it didn't mean that everyone close to me would die. I forgot to deal with the inevitable fact that someone close to me would die sometime in the future. I'm fucked now... this was not planned for.

It's all rushing back. The irrational thoughts. The terrifying daydreams.

Sigh. Please someone come sweep me up and put me to use in your compost heap.

Fever of Unknown Origin (FUO)

Rod's unofficial official diagnosis is: Fever of Unknown Origin

Basically, this is medicine's way of saying "we don't know why you don't feel good." 1/3 of FUOs resolve on their own without recurrence, 1/3 are caused by a difficult to find/identify infection, and 1/3 are malignancy (cancer). We are currently having more tests (blood & ctscan to rule out a bone infection in his spine) to rule out the second option. If those don't indicate anything and he isn't better yet... we will have to start the tests to rule out the third option.

Positive Self Bullshit

 
It's nice to be able to curse on this blog... not that there is a rule against it on the other, but it doesn't feel right there... and here, well... it does.

That's about the only nice thing I have left to say today. Today sucked. Nothing happened per se, but a lot didn't. There was no party to throw, father's day breakfast to make, or wedding to attend. My baby went off to school with his Nana and I left my husband at home as I headed off to work. As soon as the car door closed behind me I knew I was doomed. Suddenly, for the first time in days, I had time to think. Oh dear.

When you grow up in therapy and end up in weight watchers (not sure if the two are related or not) you end up with some kick ass coping skills. ...and I do... have great coping skills. I can deep breathe until all tension has been released from my body. I can choose therapeutic activities like bubble baths & trashy magazines. and... I can positive self talk with the best of them. I can shout over the voices in my head (the ones that are saying "this is it! you knew this would happen someday... he's going to die now! it was always going to happen!). I can drown them out with "you shut up! that's ridiculous... he's fine. he's going to start feeling better any day now, he'll be back to his old self, golfing too much, and endlessly groping you."

BUT... when I have time to think. Like today... I'm fucked. See, the problem (again) is that I am too damn smart. Am I really supposed to believe that he is going to get better soon when all I see is him sinking further into this? When he can barely walk to the bathroom on his own? Really?

He's fine=bullshit

He'll get better soon=bullshit

Everything is going to be okay=big stinky, steamy pile of bullshit

the bottom line is... bad things happen. all THE TIME! I've even had them happen to me... so I know from experience that bad things happen. They do... it's true.

and this is a bad thing, it's happening right here, right now... and there is NOTHING i can do to stop it. No amount of positive self talk is going to help.

closing in

the walls, that is.

i'm starting to break down a bit. i suppose anyone would, but this isn't exactly good timing. there are 30 people coming to the house tomorrow to celebrate the bangus' birthday and little (of the much there is to do) has been done. All I want is to go to sleep.

Great Smile!

I've entered Angus in another beautiful baby contest... i've noticed that there are many submissions of stone faced babies with the accompanying description: "always has a smile on his/her face."

umm... no, apparently not ALWAYS!

Delusions of Grandeur...

I know it isn't great to walk around thinking you are smarter than everyone else... I know, really I do. But... what if you are?!

Rod has been cranking out fevers 101.7 and above for going on 9 days now. On day 5 I forced him to go to the doctor. When we arrived the nurse triaged him and hearing about his back pain and fevers asked him for a urine sample. She suspected a kidney infection; smart girl!

The doc came in and asked all sorts of questions, to most of which the answer was no (sinus pain, sore throat, cough, runny nose, etc.). We came to the conclusion that the major symptoms were headache, back pain, & fever. The doc listened to his lungs which were clear and ordered a chest xray...

at this point, I was bursting at the seams! I asked if he had gotten the results of the urinalysis back yet... he was clueless? What urinalysis?! He looked in the computer, saw that none had been ordered, and decided not to order the simple, inexpensive test because Rod didn't have any "urinary symptoms." We mentioned dark urine a week or two ago... he ignored it and ordered the chest x ray which he suspected would "turn up nothing."

He was right! The chest xray was clear... Rod was diagnosed with an elusive virus and told to come back if his fever persisted 2-3 more weeks! WHAT THE FUCK?! Is he kidding?! Hasn't he seen House? He needs to get his diagnostics team around a white board and work this shit out. I cannot care for a one year old and a 33 year old and maintain my own sanity at the same time... NOT. COOL.

So, the fever persists, the back pain increases, a light tap to the kidney sends shooting pains throughout Rod's body. He obviously has a kidney infection. Master diagnostician that I am... I am sure of it. Too bad I don't have prescribing rights. Turns out just being smarter than everyone else doesn't count for much.