Positive Self Bullshit

 
It's nice to be able to curse on this blog... not that there is a rule against it on the other, but it doesn't feel right there... and here, well... it does.

That's about the only nice thing I have left to say today. Today sucked. Nothing happened per se, but a lot didn't. There was no party to throw, father's day breakfast to make, or wedding to attend. My baby went off to school with his Nana and I left my husband at home as I headed off to work. As soon as the car door closed behind me I knew I was doomed. Suddenly, for the first time in days, I had time to think. Oh dear.

When you grow up in therapy and end up in weight watchers (not sure if the two are related or not) you end up with some kick ass coping skills. ...and I do... have great coping skills. I can deep breathe until all tension has been released from my body. I can choose therapeutic activities like bubble baths & trashy magazines. and... I can positive self talk with the best of them. I can shout over the voices in my head (the ones that are saying "this is it! you knew this would happen someday... he's going to die now! it was always going to happen!). I can drown them out with "you shut up! that's ridiculous... he's fine. he's going to start feeling better any day now, he'll be back to his old self, golfing too much, and endlessly groping you."

BUT... when I have time to think. Like today... I'm fucked. See, the problem (again) is that I am too damn smart. Am I really supposed to believe that he is going to get better soon when all I see is him sinking further into this? When he can barely walk to the bathroom on his own? Really?

He's fine=bullshit

He'll get better soon=bullshit

Everything is going to be okay=big stinky, steamy pile of bullshit

the bottom line is... bad things happen. all THE TIME! I've even had them happen to me... so I know from experience that bad things happen. They do... it's true.

and this is a bad thing, it's happening right here, right now... and there is NOTHING i can do to stop it. No amount of positive self talk is going to help.