i'm renaming the blog

i'm taking submissions... the name must reflect the following theme: being married to rod is an emotional roller coaster. sigh.

i'm still doing okay if anyone is interested... but he... has given up again for some reason. GOD DAMN IT!

Finally... Myself First

"happiness is a warm gun mama"
"bang Bang shoot Shoot"

I've had that song stuck in my head for days! I didn't think it was significant until I looked up the lyrics:

She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do- oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane

The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Ooooooooohhh, oh yeah!)
And when I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
-Yes it is, it's a warm gun!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is...
GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Yeeeaahhh!


Now... I still don't think it is significant. and if you do, you are trying too hard (haha, foolin' you!). Kind of like people that like "No Country For Old Men." Seriously... that movie sucked, but I know you feel pressure to act like you understood it and it was cool so others think you're smart. I understand... really I do... but I am over that phase so I can openly admit that it SUCKED ASS (maybe balls too).

So, as you may know, I participate actively in an online message board of women all over the US, Canada (and some in Europe) who had babies in June (and May and July because baby having is an unpredictable business) 2007. Feel free to make fun of me, because again... I don't care! tee hee! so liberating!

So, recently there was a topic in the 'Is it Hot in Here?' section of the board asking if we were wives or mother's first. I answered that I was a mother first, but I was willing to acknowledge that didn't do much for my marriage. I thought for certain if I could be a wife first, that my husband would then see himself a partner in parenting and it would be easier to be a mother 2nd because I wasn't doing it alone. I had no intention to pursuing this goal.

a funny thing happened on the way to the farm: Rod got sick and I couldn't crumble. I had to keep it together, if only for Angus. In all honesty, he saved my life. If he didn't exist I would have offed myself about 6 weeks into our most recent difficulties. but... I don't want my kid to have to explain to people that his "momma committed suicide" so that isn't really an option anymore (yes, I said anymore... calm down, you have thought about it too. you all have.)

So, I stayed alive to be a mother, and I became a better wife because what else could I do? The man I loved was suffering... Then one of my biggest supporters jumped (on a) ship and went to Alaska (with my blessing). Again, these ingredients are all I need for "I'm going to lose it and it is going to be impossible to put back together pie" but...

I didn't. I didn't lose it. It was a miracle!

Instead, I was a wife, and a mother, and I enjoyed my time at work (as a break from my real life) and suddenly... I woke up yesterday and realized that I wasn't a mother first anymore. I wasn't a wife first either. I was myself.

and it is soooo much better! Being myself first and having a life that is about me is so cool! I feel happy and fulfilled and I can enjoy my family and I feel no pressure to do everything and it's just great!

Well, not really... it is still a bit overwhelming. It doesn't feel like having a great job, husband, son, extended family AND friends should be trying to have it "all" but sometimes it feels like it. I can tackle the first 3 on that list easily, usually 4, but the 5th tends to fall off easily... Sorry buddies. I'm still working on it.

I'm a Vegan: Day 1

On Tuesday night I started my "sleep is for the weak" campaign and stayed up way too late watching pirated episodes of the Morgan Spurlock show 30 Days (on fX, you should watch it). After the animal rights & gay adotion rights episodes I decided I was going to become a vegan (because it was easier than becoming a gay adoptee).

I ate donuts for breakfast... probably not Vegan, but at least vegetarian. THEN, for lunch around 3:30 p.m. (is that lunch?) I ate a frosty from Wendy's, and a chicken snack wrap. --oops!

Then for dinner at 9:00 p.m. I ate leftover mashed potatoes and hot links from Lucille's BBQ. --oops again!

I am a lousy vegan. perhaps this is why i keep shitting myself.

Pornography is lame

I've heard it said that the internet is only good for two things: 1. Porn and 2. complaining. I suppose that Amazon.com would beg to differ, but I have been doing my fair share to make sure #2 stays in its rank.

That's why I haven't posted a lot here lately (besides being busy)... I just haven't had that much to complain about. That was of course until yesterday when I had an accident of catastrophic proportions (I'm talking about the kind of "accident" that a child might have in his/her pants... yeah, that kind). Not pleasant, let me tell you. Not only is it gross and inconvenient, but it really gives a girl's ego an ass kicking. Geez. What's wrong with me?

Is it possible?

WARNING: If you love Rod... or are Rod... the following post may upset you. I love Rod and it upsets me very much. You may want to close the browser window and go about your business now. If you choose to continue reading: consider yourself warned.

Rod is always right. It is no fun being married to someone who is always right. Well... actually... it is no fun in the beginning... because this altruistic, always right person lets himself be bowled over by your insistence once or twice and you end up with a house you can't really afford, a vw eurovan in undriveable condition, and a baby you weren't emotionally ready for (whom you love with your entire heart and soul and would not give back for the world); and none of that is fun. Luckily for you, this person who is always right... continues to be right during the process of righting the wrongs. So... down the line you realize that being married to someone who is always right is quite convenient (he knows when to sell a house, how to return a car, and is a damn great father); and then you have a choice to make. You can step back and relax as the person who is always right makes the major decisions with your loving support -or- you can continue to push your agenda, fuck up, and let the person who is always right fix it for you. I've done a little bit of both and it has become fun.

It HAD become fun. It isn't fun anymore because now the person who is always right believes he is dying. And you... who are sometimes right... know that the fastest route towards death is to give into it. and you wonder... Is it possible?

Is he really always right? Will he be right forever?

Is it possible that he is "lazy" because he somehow knew his time here on earth was going to be short to waste on things we would all rather not do?

Is it possible that he doesn't care for books because he knew he didn't have time to waste seeing the world through words? he had to see it up close and personal?

It is possible that he finds it hard to get and stay motivated, to really commit to a long term project, to plan for the future... because his future doesn't stretch into eternity?

Is it possible that he didn't jump from girl to girl and saved all his loving energy for one because he wanted to make it one good one?

Is it possible that he was so unsure about having children (despite that he clearly loves them and being around them) because he somehow knew he couldn't be there for the whole journey?

Is it possible that his "tragic flaws" are an integral part of his story?

Is it possible that I am going to lose him?

Is it possible that my child will grow up without his father and I will (even if it is just the tiniest bit) be responsible for showing the deepest pain I have ever known just by taking the risk and bringing him into this world?

Is it possible that he won't always be here, to be right, and show me the way?

Is it possible that this is all going to be over?

I miss him so much already. He is withering away. Down 20 lbs in 6 weeks... In so much pain he groans with each step. There is anger behind his eyes... in the same place the sparkle used to be.

I miss him so much.

Wind Beneath His Wings

Maybe you've noticed, and I don't need to point it out so blatantly but... My boobs have become Angus' co-star. In many photos, like those below, they are fighting for a starring role! What the hell? I was a member of the itty bitty titty club for so long I don't know what to do with myself. Who knew having a child would make life so complicated.