Finally... Myself First

"happiness is a warm gun mama"
"bang Bang shoot Shoot"

I've had that song stuck in my head for days! I didn't think it was significant until I looked up the lyrics:

She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do- oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane

The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Ooooooooohhh, oh yeah!)
And when I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun, momma
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
-Yes it is, it's a warm gun!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is...
GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?
(Bang Bang Shoot Shoot)
Yeeeaahhh!


Now... I still don't think it is significant. and if you do, you are trying too hard (haha, foolin' you!). Kind of like people that like "No Country For Old Men." Seriously... that movie sucked, but I know you feel pressure to act like you understood it and it was cool so others think you're smart. I understand... really I do... but I am over that phase so I can openly admit that it SUCKED ASS (maybe balls too).

So, as you may know, I participate actively in an online message board of women all over the US, Canada (and some in Europe) who had babies in June (and May and July because baby having is an unpredictable business) 2007. Feel free to make fun of me, because again... I don't care! tee hee! so liberating!

So, recently there was a topic in the 'Is it Hot in Here?' section of the board asking if we were wives or mother's first. I answered that I was a mother first, but I was willing to acknowledge that didn't do much for my marriage. I thought for certain if I could be a wife first, that my husband would then see himself a partner in parenting and it would be easier to be a mother 2nd because I wasn't doing it alone. I had no intention to pursuing this goal.

a funny thing happened on the way to the farm: Rod got sick and I couldn't crumble. I had to keep it together, if only for Angus. In all honesty, he saved my life. If he didn't exist I would have offed myself about 6 weeks into our most recent difficulties. but... I don't want my kid to have to explain to people that his "momma committed suicide" so that isn't really an option anymore (yes, I said anymore... calm down, you have thought about it too. you all have.)

So, I stayed alive to be a mother, and I became a better wife because what else could I do? The man I loved was suffering... Then one of my biggest supporters jumped (on a) ship and went to Alaska (with my blessing). Again, these ingredients are all I need for "I'm going to lose it and it is going to be impossible to put back together pie" but...

I didn't. I didn't lose it. It was a miracle!

Instead, I was a wife, and a mother, and I enjoyed my time at work (as a break from my real life) and suddenly... I woke up yesterday and realized that I wasn't a mother first anymore. I wasn't a wife first either. I was myself.

and it is soooo much better! Being myself first and having a life that is about me is so cool! I feel happy and fulfilled and I can enjoy my family and I feel no pressure to do everything and it's just great!

Well, not really... it is still a bit overwhelming. It doesn't feel like having a great job, husband, son, extended family AND friends should be trying to have it "all" but sometimes it feels like it. I can tackle the first 3 on that list easily, usually 4, but the 5th tends to fall off easily... Sorry buddies. I'm still working on it.