Is it possible?

WARNING: If you love Rod... or are Rod... the following post may upset you. I love Rod and it upsets me very much. You may want to close the browser window and go about your business now. If you choose to continue reading: consider yourself warned.

Rod is always right. It is no fun being married to someone who is always right. Well... actually... it is no fun in the beginning... because this altruistic, always right person lets himself be bowled over by your insistence once or twice and you end up with a house you can't really afford, a vw eurovan in undriveable condition, and a baby you weren't emotionally ready for (whom you love with your entire heart and soul and would not give back for the world); and none of that is fun. Luckily for you, this person who is always right... continues to be right during the process of righting the wrongs. So... down the line you realize that being married to someone who is always right is quite convenient (he knows when to sell a house, how to return a car, and is a damn great father); and then you have a choice to make. You can step back and relax as the person who is always right makes the major decisions with your loving support -or- you can continue to push your agenda, fuck up, and let the person who is always right fix it for you. I've done a little bit of both and it has become fun.

It HAD become fun. It isn't fun anymore because now the person who is always right believes he is dying. And you... who are sometimes right... know that the fastest route towards death is to give into it. and you wonder... Is it possible?

Is he really always right? Will he be right forever?

Is it possible that he is "lazy" because he somehow knew his time here on earth was going to be short to waste on things we would all rather not do?

Is it possible that he doesn't care for books because he knew he didn't have time to waste seeing the world through words? he had to see it up close and personal?

It is possible that he finds it hard to get and stay motivated, to really commit to a long term project, to plan for the future... because his future doesn't stretch into eternity?

Is it possible that he didn't jump from girl to girl and saved all his loving energy for one because he wanted to make it one good one?

Is it possible that he was so unsure about having children (despite that he clearly loves them and being around them) because he somehow knew he couldn't be there for the whole journey?

Is it possible that his "tragic flaws" are an integral part of his story?

Is it possible that I am going to lose him?

Is it possible that my child will grow up without his father and I will (even if it is just the tiniest bit) be responsible for showing the deepest pain I have ever known just by taking the risk and bringing him into this world?

Is it possible that he won't always be here, to be right, and show me the way?

Is it possible that this is all going to be over?

I miss him so much already. He is withering away. Down 20 lbs in 6 weeks... In so much pain he groans with each step. There is anger behind his eyes... in the same place the sparkle used to be.

I miss him so much.