Vacation Remorse

I was reminded recently that I had some vacation days scheduled for this week. They were scheduled back before everything fell apart... then Rod got sick, the trip to Yosemite got canceled and our lives got one step closer to being the way I don't want them to be.

What the fuck is up with me? Weren't my last several posts about how awesome everything is? About how I have found myself?

Does finding myself have to be equivalent to unearthing a moody, dramatic, demon? Is this "myself"? Do I feel not myself when I am attempting to hold down my extreme emotions to fit in and please all of you? Am I myself when I am all over the place? Why do the feelings of accomplishment and confidence I had just a week ago have to be following by the feelings of frustration and anger I have today?

So, tomorrow through Thursday I am off of work. I have tentatively scheduled the following: Tuesday-me (hair, nails, sleep), Wednesday-house (garden, little projects, sleep?), Thursday-angus... I am looking forward to Thursday. Tomorrow, however, is terrifying. and what makes it terrifying is that I would RATHER go to WORK than stay home alone and be with my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I want to be by myself for a little while... I am so drained that I need to recharge, I have nothing left to give, but I am sooooo drained that I don't even know if I can deal with myself right now.

These past months have been much harder on me than I realized until yesterday at California Adventure when I was crying at the "Drawn to Magic" stage show. Yup.

I am terrified of losing my husband and the only way I know how to cope is to become super efficient, super composed, and super charming. Only, that doesn't last long. Apparently it lasts approximately two months.

My life has gone a little something like this lately (I'm bold, you're italics)

Hi, how's Rod?

He's the same.

How's Angus?

He's great!

How are you?

Um... Well... I'm not so goo-

He (angus) just gave me a kiss! Did you see that?
-or-
Well, I better get going now, it's getting late
-or-
Shoot, the bread!
-or-
Look! Something shiny!

and I completely understand... Rod and Angus are VERY important. Imagine how important they are to you and then multiply that by infinity and that's how important they are to me. but you know what... I gotta be important too.

I need people to understand that after months of not acknowledging my own tired soul for a moment in order to care for these boys that when I say I am sick I don't need to give you a list of my symptoms and explain their severity and push myself to the point that I am on the verge of vomiting or passing out before you notice enough to offer to take care of me.

And on that note... enough with the offering. Just do it.

I am not going to call you and ask you to take my baby for a moment so I can catch up on things around the house. All this does is provoke his separation anxiety and then prompt him to leech onto me for the rest of the day... just come do my dishes instead.

I am not going to call you and tell you that we are too broke to buy food. So please just pick us up to go grocery shopping or bring us some meals.

I know that I should be a big enough person to ask for help when I need it... but I'm not. and let's face it... none of you are either. So, please do for me what you would want me to do for you. Please understand that the people who need the most help are often in no emotional state to reach out and ask for it. Just help. Stop offering.

Well, actually... don't. because it's too late anyway. I've got it all under control.

pfft.