Teetering

Even my solid epiphany of last night/this morning is getting a little shaky... what the hell?

I'm going to try blogging about it and hoping to find clarity in the words. I'm looking for something firm, like a nice tofu steak.

So, I was in a meeting yesterday at work that started with someone I respect and admire ripping me (well, not me... but I took it personally and it was partially me) a new asshole. I cried. If you don't work where I work you may think this was a terrible meeting, but it really was great... one of the best I have had in a long time. I cried first because of how hurt and angry he was towards me and others despite the fact that I had been working my ass off to prevent the things he was hurt and angry about... and then then second time because I realized I hadn't really been working my ass off like I thought I had been. And it wasn't disappointment in myself that brought tears (although that feeling is lingering this afternoon) it was disappointment in allowing myself to be swallowed up by others.

This is not an uncommon theme in my life. I have a desire to be the best, the perfect, the one and only, the way and the light and so I give all of myself. To be the best wife I will be only a wife, to be the best mother I will be only a mother, to be the best teammater/coworker I will be all team/all the time... only those things don't really work. To be a good wife, mother, team player, I need to be all of those things at once and one more very important thing, I need to be myself.

and I haven't been. and that was the epiphany.

As I rocked Angus to sleep last night I planned about how to take action on said epiphany, and then I fell asleep in the chair and promptly forgot all my wisdom. Why do I not wear a pad & pen around my neck at all times?

I can only assume that my desire to please others left me in a place for a long part of my life where I didn't have too many strong stances of my own on any one issue. I waivered, was easily influenced (and still am in a lot of ways), but swayed and swerved, and teetered and tottered. I am still teetering, but not tottering. All my swaying and swerving represents a trend now... I am going in one direction, no more back and forth, not necessarily steady FORWARD progress but progress all the same. Becoming a mother has greatly helped this along. I have ideas now about things that I am not willing to give up to please you or him or her or that guy over there. No WAY and this resolve is bleeding over into other areas.

and there's the epiphany again/another version of it: being who I am as a mother is what makes me a good mother... I bet that being who I am while being a wife or a team player will make me a good wife/team player. Trying to blend into the relationship or blend into the team, trying to be only the partner or only the teammate instead of myself as a partner or myself as a teammate has taken away from my partnership, my team, and myself.

To avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater (never liked that saying...) I intend not to get too angry. For a day or two I might feel a little irritated, insulted that you dared to allow me to allow you to oppress me, but it will pass quickly. While likely a required part of the process, it's not really valuable to feel unkindly towards my partner or team.

So, I'm ready to move on with it now. I have some ideas, really good ones. I have me, and I am valuable, and I am going to start bringing me to the table and I am trusting that you will accept and appreciate that for all that is is.

Not to worry, I have no illusions that you will shower me with praise or always agree with my brilliant ideas, but I will not be giving up... not badgering, not demanding, but if there is something I want because it is a part of my core values I will not let it go to please you, I'll find a way to stay true to myself while still being your partner and teammate.

xoxo

Tis the season to be vomiting...

fa la la la lalalala!

It occurred to me yesterday as I hung my head over the toilet bowl that I may get sick every year around this time... I wonder what I can do about that. I'll have to start being more mindful of where my head and heart are next year starting in early November.

I figure since I spent an entire 24 hours puking literally, it might be time for a little verbal diarrhea to accompany it. Old school Kate style.

I'm exhausted... and completely out of patience. Wait a minute, scratch that. I have ENORMOUS amounts of patience but I use it all up daily on my toddler. Who, frankly, is the most deserving. I think it's reasonable for an 18 month old to act like a baby... not so much for adults.

I have 11 emails marked as unread in my inbox reminding me to respond to people that I treasure and long to connect with to make my life more meaningful than what it is inside the walls of this house... but I'm so tired.

I need a sign, or instructions. Feeling a little lost. Feeling a little left out, a little hurt, a little unimportant, a little judged, a little under appreciated, a little underpaid, a little worried, a little potentially homeless or bankrupt.

It occurred to me the other day that when you don't have enough money to pay all of your bills moving is not the only choice. You can call all your utility companies and creditors and ask for a little wiggle room. That seems like a good plan, a nice way to buy an extra month... but does it sound like I have the energy to do something like that? If only I had a partner to do these sort of things. Someone who is frustrated at not being able to find work and needs some purpose, some way of contributing in a meaningful way to help rebuild his sense of self. If only.

By the way, this is the first blog post ever that I composed without "writing" it in my head first. How did I do?

Something to ponder

The next time you see a fat person who claims to be poor and has trouble affording food, instead of thinking to yourself "well, she doesn't seem to have any trouble finding money for cheeseburgers" consider that maybe, just maybe, she used to be twice as fat and has been starving as a result of her poverty and has actually lost weight.

Dear John McCain,

Well played, sir, well played. I really enjoyed watching your speech last night. It was eloquent and respectful. I wanted to talk to you a little bit about the campaign. To kind of debrief where it might have gone wrong... Many will say it was the Palin choice, but I think she is just a symptom of a bigger strategy problem.

You see, you were an ideal candidate at one point... A true independent Maverick who stood proud on his own, never buying into the hype of either party and just acting in what you believed to be the best interest of the American people. It would have seemed that with that history you could have attracted and earned the votes of the many independent Americans out there... that should have been the case.

I have NO idea how you managed to win the Republican Primary. Maybe it was because there were too many other good candidates and the party votes were split between them leaving you to rise to the top? It seemed so unlikely, but you got it anyway. And that, my friend, is where it went wrong. Once you had the nomination, you had the conservative base. There is no way in hell any of them would have voted for Barack OR Hillary. Republicans historically, fall in line... you had them at hello.

Instead of recognizing that and playing to the middle (like so many successful candidates have done in the past) you spent much of your campaign trying to secure the conservative base of the republican party and in doing so, neglected the people who could have elected you. Conservative people are out there and they have a lot of money and a loud voice, but as you learned last night, they are not mighty in numbers, at least not in the places where it counts.

I'm afraid you sold yourself out trying to win a base that would have been yours by default and in doing so you lost the support of the people who were most likely to support you. I'm sorry that it happened that way, you could have even had my husband's vote... if you'd played your cards right.

Again, I enjoyed your speech last night. I am touched by your declaration of cooperation, I hope your constituents will do so as sincerely as you asked them to. I am saddened by the "boo"s I heard when you mentioned Obama in contrast to the cheers I heard when he mentioned you, but I am so proud of you for denouncing them. I hope you will be better able to influence your supporters to support the President Elect than you were able to draw them to the polls; I fear you won't. I wish you all the best and thank you for a great election year; it's been a blast.

Much love,
Kate M.

A Woman Obsessed

Fucking Al Qeada

There was a time, pre-911 when non-ticketed passengers could go all the way up to the gate to see there loved ones off or greet their arriving guests. One of my favorite scenes was the frazzled young father, hand in hand with a dirty toddler with a baby on his hip looking gratefully relieved as his wife emerged from the gate and relieved him of his single parent status after a business trip.

Away on my first business trip I long for nothing more than that very scene to be my own. Maybe that's why I wanted to be a mother so much... the need to be needed is strong in this one. I have of course that there is a limit to this desire... being needed TOO much is a bit heavy.

In order to answer "how i'm doing" I need to know how everyone else is doing. If they're fine... I'm fine. If they're not... I'm not.

Hmm... what if they're good? How awful would that be?

This is all Osama Bin Laden's fault!

(The picture is to show that I am making good use of my time as a single, childless woman to straighten my hair.)

Please Vote No on Prop 8

We are working on teaching Angus to say please when he is asking for something. It's going well. He rarely remembers to do it himself but when reminded he shyly smiles and gives an adorable "beeeez!" It's very difficult to resist.

Here's hoping this will have the same effect on you!

Having many conservative friends and being able to love them despite our differences makes this issue very difficult for me. I have heard enough of their explanations to truly understand where they are coming from. I really, truly do. To them, marriage is a religious institution; as much between them & God as it is between them and their partner. To them, the moral code of their religion is of the utmost importance, they see religion as the source of those morals and as a requirement to acquire and understand those morals. They desperately want their children to learn and understand this without challenge from the outside, not because they are closed minded or ignorant, but because they believe in these concepts with all their heart and soul. They are a part of them...

I also understand that the writers of Prop 8 are attempting to fight back in the name of the people. CA voters passed Prop 22 some years back banning gay marriage and the Supreme Court overruled that legislation because it was unconstitutional. The writers and supporters of Prop 8 believe that they have the best interest of the CA voters in mind when giving the opportunity to ban gay marriage again.

The thing is... those voters were wrong. The Supreme Court was right; it is unconstitutional to deny a legal classification to consenting adults because they are homosexual. Marriage, according to the state, is a legal contract. While your marriage may be between you, your spouse, and God... legal marriage is not. Straight people have always been free to define their marriage however they wish in their own homes. There are open marriages, religious marriages, marriages of convenience, marriage for money, marriage for citizenship. And while any of us might not agree with those definitions of marriage... as long as the people involved meet the legal requirements of this state (that they are consenting adults) then they are free to enter into the legal contract of marriage.

While we might find these things described above to be in poor taste they in NO way damage our marriage. Marriage, in the eyes of the law is a contract... one that two consenting adults enter into after paying a nominal fee and signing a certificate. Marriage, and what you make of it afterward is completely and totally up to you.

Please understand that it is wrong to discriminate against anyone for any reason. Please understand that banning gay marriage is discrimination. Please understand that it is wrong to ban gay marriage.

I understand that you believe gay marriage is wrong. I understand that you believe it so deeply that it feels like fact. I understand that you don't want your children to hear that it is okay from their teachers. You will always have the right to limit the exposure your child receives to different topics. As a vigilant parent you can discuss curriculum with teachers and administrators ahead of time and you can have your child removed from the classroom and engaged in another activity during a time when something that is against your personal beliefs is being taught. You will always have that right and you should exercise it.

We are each entitled to our beliefs. Keep those beliefs close to your heart, and fill your home with them, but please understand that they are YOUR beliefs and you cannot expect people who believe other things to be content with being discriminated against because of your beliefs.

Please do the right thing and please vote no on Prop 8.